Michael Ventre

If you know nothing about the inner workings of government, know this at least: Congressmen never show up for work. They just don’t. Their absentee rate is close to 100 percent. That one guy you always see in video clips in the midst of a long-winded speech? He’s the janitor.

Attendance is taken, but because most voters are busy and don’t bother to check who showed up and who didn’t, congressmen blow off work and hit the golf course, take three-hour lunches, meet with lobbyists and play video games. It’s nice work if you can get it, which explains why some of these political campaigns become so heated. Seeing a roomful of public servants gathered around a television screen while two of them play “John Madden NFL 2006” is disconcerting to those of us who pay taxes.

Yet on rare occasions, something will occur that causes these freeloaders to sober up and look busy. Usually there is a checklist of criteria that you can count on:

• It has to be something that will gain them maximum television exposure.
• It has to involve an issue that will allow them to appear sanctimonious.
• It should involve the grilling of people generally perceived by the public to be bigger boobs than they are.
• It should be a topic that arouses passion.
• It should be something that can be wrapped up in a brief session so everybody can make happy hour.

Granted, it isn’t easy to meet all of these qualifications, which is why most members of Congress feel confident turning off their cell phones while they accept bribes or have sex with interns. But this steroids controversy sweeping professional sports must have been the equivalent of a live alert by the Emergency Broadcast System, summoning them into action. They must have been putting on makeup and spraying Binaca like there was no tomorrow.

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Recently the folks on Capitol Hill outdid themselves. They managed to hold two sessions on steroids at the same time. The House Government Reform Committee and the House Energy and Commerce subcommittee took on executives of Major League Baseball, the NFL, the NBA the NHL and Major League Soccer as well as union leaders in an effort to rid the landscape of the scourge of steroids. That’s a lot of soapboxes. After this sudden but brief spurt of activity, they’ll all feel justified taking six-month vacations.

Here’s an example of how the caretakers of our federal government are using their wisdom to get to the heart of this crisis:

Rep. Stephen Lynch, D-Mass., suggested to NBA commissioner David Stern that the brawl that occurred in November during the Indiana Pacers-Detroit Pistons game should have tipped off league officials about the need for drug testing, since steroids are known to cause aggressive behavior.

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