The Christmas Day game between the Miami Heat and Los Angeles Lakers — pitting Shaquille “The Big Vengeance” O’Neal against Kobe “I’m Completely Blameless” Bryant in a nationally televised steel-cage match — will not be simply a one-time event.  Rather, it will become a holiday tradition, as ingrained in the American psyche at this time of year as spiked eggnog.

After their much-publicized divorce, the NBA understands that it now has a sure-fire ratings-grabber every year on Christmas. While children open gifts and adults prepare bounteous meals, Kobe and Shaq can go at each other like two shoppers go after the one remaining item at a half-price sale. Years from now, families will sit around the living room, open up the photo album and say, “I remember when Shaq sucker-punched Kobe back in ’04 …” And everyone will nod nostalgically.

As with most holiday traditions, there are certain rituals and events that will occur yearly to mark the occasion. Here are 10 ways that we as a nation will observe this unholiest of unions:

THE PASSING OF THE BASKETBALL
Usually the officials let the captains of each team test the ball before the game starts to make sure it has the right amount of bounce. Shaq will be given the ball first. He’ll bounce it, and if it meets his approval, he will pass it to Kobe. But Kobe will refuse to give it back, insisting that the testing process should always go through him first, and then to Shaq. Kobe will explain that the procedure of testing the basketball for bounce as it is currently constituted is too restrictive and stifles his individuality. Then he’ll call his agent.

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THE CONFESSION OF THE EXILED
This is a deeply profound purging that usually takes about five or six minutes and is officiated by someone like Jim Gray or Steven A. Smith. Shaq will go on camera for a pre-game or halftime feature and explain how he has put the controversy surrounding Kobe behind him, but he will do so while speaking in tongues, NBA style.

For instance, when he says, “I wish him only the best,” it is roughly translated as, “I would like to squash the little rat under the wheels of my Bentley.” Then Shaq will go off and say penance, which is usually a phrase repeated over and over that has special meaning for him, like “Give me my money!”

THE SQUEALING ON THE SINNERS
Obviously, this practice happens year-round. But it takes on special significance whenever Kobe and Shaq meet, since it was Kobe who established it when he told detectives in Colorado that Shaq not only cheats on his wife, but pays off women to keep quiet.

Kobe followed that recently by charging that Karl Malone strays as well. At some point during the game, Kobe will borrow a referee’s whistle in order to symbolically “blow the whistle” on a teammate.

THE SMOTING OF THE FRAIL
Shaq will want to prove that he was an indispensable member of the Lakers and should not have been unceremoniously run out of town. So he will strike down upon the keepers of the paint with great vengeance. Shaq will post numbers of biblical proportions by going medieval on Chris Mihm. Afterward, the Lakers will hold a candlelight vigil for the wounded.

THE HUNTING OF LITTLE MEXICAN GIRLS
The phrase comes from the prophet Karl. Fundamentalists take a literal approach to the text, believing that The Mailman did indeed intend to hogtie Kobe’s wife and run off with her on an extramarital fast break.

Those in the reformed camp disagree, insisting Vanessa Bryant misinterpreted the message and as a result made everybody in Lakerland wacky with another Yoko-like manipulation of events. Regardless, the Lakers will recognize the occasion by re-enacting the incident. Jerry Buss has generously volunteered to dress up as a cowboy and play the Malone part.

THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF CHARITY
Everyone knows that Shaq is a lousy free-throw shooter, but no one has a deeper understanding of it than Kobe. He will instruct his Laker teammates to send Shaq to the charity stripe often. Kobe feels he has always made more positive contributions in this realm of charity than Shaq. Kobe, in turn, will observe his own commitment to charity by driving to the hole on every possession, even if he’s triple-teamed. After all, it’s the season of giving.

THE ISOLATION OF THE CHOSEN ONE
Kobe will be given the basketball and sent out onto the perimeter to be alone with his thoughts and reflect on his existence. The move is intended to illustrate how important it is to connect with your fellow man.

As in most of life’s great tests, not everyone gets it the first time. Or the second. Or the 28^th, for that matter. In fact, sometimes these tests backfire. In this case, Kobe will proclaim that isolating himself from others feels quite natural, and he will mark the occasion by taking about 25 3-pointers.

THE FEAST OF THE GRATEFUL
After Shaq was traded to Miami, he embarked on a workout and weight-loss regimen and got into the best shape of his life, shedding about 25 pounds. Laker fans in Los Angeles will use the occasion of Shaq’s return to celebrate the fact that there is so much more food available around town now that he’s gone. The Lakers will do their part by donating one typical Shaq pre-game meal to feed underprivileged kids in greater L.A. and surrounding municipalities.

THE EXCHANGE OF GIFTS
Everybody likes a nice surprise around the holidays. It’s fun just to see people’s faces light up when they get something they didn’t expect. Kobe will get in the spirit by trading some of his teammates during Saturday’s game.  The joy will be mutual. He’ll get some new toys to play with. They’ll get the gift of life.

THE PRAYERS FOR THE DAMNED
After the game, Miami fans will lament that while they have a dominant center, they don’t have enough around him to win an NBA title. Laker fans will question their fate even more, pondering some of life’s great questions: Did we do the right thing putting the entire franchise in Kobe’s hands? Will he ever pass the ball? Were the prosecutors in Colorado really as stupid as they seemed?

After the game, Kobe will proclaim that the Laker franchise is on the right track. Shaq will declare that the Heat is on its way to a championship. Oh well, you can’t really blame them. Christmas is a time for miracles.