Jeff Roberson / AP

Barry Bonds is in for a tough 2005, writes NBCSports.com's Michael Ventre.

If you think this was a strange year in sports, just wait until 2005. Think about it. The intelligence level of players and fans isn’t exactly spiking. Tensions will be more evident than Janet Jackson’s breast. The pressure to win builds by the day. And there are no such things as offseasons anymore; your favorite lunatics have to work year-round in order to make embarrassing headlines, since the competition in that department is fiercer than ever.

Without further ado, here are some predictions for 2005. Keep in mind that I could be wrong about these. The actual developments could even be wackier: 

• The female administrator in the Notre Dame athletic department — who shaved her head after Tyrone Willingham was fired and said she would remain bald until the Irish win a national championship — will take one look at the 2005 team and then undergo a series of full-body electrolysis treatments.
• Barry Bonds will donate his baseball cap to the Hall of Fame, and the folks in Cooperstown will mount it on poles and use it as a tent for corporate events.
• Some of the lesser known players in the National Hockey League will be seen on streetcorners with signs saying, “Will Muck For Food.”
• Mack Brown will hire Karl Rove as a campaign advisor.
• Jason Giambi will shrink to the size of a ferret and will be employed by George Steinbrenner to clean air-conditioning ducts at Yankee Stadium.
• The Palace of Auburn Hills will begin selling pepper spray at concession stands.

  The Palace of Auburn Hills will begin selling pepper spray at concession stands

• Kobe Bryant will find himself in hot water again after being shown posing and grinning next to teammates in Abu Ghraib-like photos taken during Lakers’ practices.
• Drew Henson will spend much of 2005 looking for a third sport he can’t play.
• The Penn State Nittany Lions will have another losing season. After their final game, they will lift Joe Paterno on their shoulders and won’t put him down until they get beyond the State College, Pa., city limits.
• As his production continues to dwindle, Cubs manager Dusty Baker will encourage Sammy Sosa to leave games early.
• Karl Malone orders a Big Mac at a McDonalds, becomes highly offended when the girl behind the counter fails to ask if he wants fries with that, and declares he will never eat there again.
• After scandals in both its football and basketball programs, Ohio State becomes the first university in history to receive concurrent death penalties from the NCAA.
• Drug dealers in Baltimore promise that whenever they make DVDs warning snitches that they face death if they cooperate with police, they will restrict Carmelo Anthony’s involvement to deleted scenes and blooper reels.
• The BCS will tweak its college football formula in an effort to screw more teams.
• Ricky Williams will find himself in an environment even more remote and desolate than a backpackers’ community in the Australian outback when the Dolphins trade his rights to Cleveland.

• The BCS will tweak its college football formula in an effort to screw more teams

  After enduring abysmal seasons by the Saints and Hornets, New Orleans officials will change the city’s nickname to The Big Queasy.
• Agent Scott Boras is accused of assembling his star-studded roster with the use of performance-enhancing substances, but he contends he only used a balm to soothe arthritis in his telephone hand.
• Latrell Sprewell will appear in a public-service spot for the NBA’s Read to Achieve program, but the children present will be asked to cover their ears.
• Noticeably smaller in physique, Lance Armstrong goes from dominating the mountain stages of the Tour de France to grabbing onto the bumper of the media van.
• Milton Bradley loses his cool and goes berserk when a traffic light doesn’t change fast enough.
• Alex Rodriguez will get in trouble with fans. It won’t be because he ignores autograph seekers, but rather as the result of whacking them with his arm to knock pens and notebooks out of their hands as he runs by.
• The Mike Tyson car wash will be unveiled. Mike jumps onto your car and washes it personally with brushes attached to his hands and chest.
• Tiger Woods will develop a case of the shanks, fail to make the cut in any tournament, finish at the bottom of the money list, yet insist he is not in a slump.
• The fireurbanmeyer.com web site receives 10,000 hits in its initial week, most of them coming from one guy in Illinois.

• Texas Rangers reliever Frank Francisco is invited to throw out the first chair at a Pistons’ game

  Texas Rangers reliever Frank Francisco is invited to throw out the first chair at a Pistons’ game.
• IOC officials will attempt to take away Marion Jones’ gold medals, but they fail because none of their cars are fast enough to catch her.
• The Devil announces his retirement. Former Baylor basketball coach Dave Bliss is among the frontrunners to replace him.
• Eli Manning tells reporters, “On second thought, I’d be happy to play for the Chargers.”
• Curt Schilling will be busted by umpires during a game — not for putting substances on the baseball, but rather for applying ketchup to his sock.
• ABC’s Monday Night Football tapes another sexy promo, this time featuring a man in a towel who approaches Terrell Owens near his locker. But it’s only allowed to be shown in Canada.

More news

MIKE SEGAR / Reuters

Pekingese favored to be top dog

Robins: It’s the Year of the Dragon on the Lunar calendar, and this Chinese influence could extend to it also being the year of the Pekingese on the green carpet at the 136th Westminster Dog Show on Tuesday.

NY cable dispute blacks out Knicks, 4 NHL teams

NEW YORK (AP) - As the glow fades from the Giants' Super Bowl triumph, some New York sports fans are tuning in to basketball and hockey, with the Rangers in first place and the Knicks' overnight sensation, Jeremy Lin, sparking "Lin-sanity.''

Mary Altaffer / AP

Six new breeds will join show at Westminster

Robins: This year, six new breeds will be making their debut on the green carpet for the Westminster Dog Show, which begins Monday.

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