This is what I expect to hear next:

Kobe Bryant accuses Shaquille O’Neal of taking steroids. Shaq fires back that he has a video of Kobe and Paris Hilton. Kobe says Shaq once relieved himself out of a hotel window onto a group of old ladies. Shaq charges that Kobe’s wife Vanessa is really a man. Kobe intimates that Shaq and Phil Jackson were more than just player and coach. Shaq suggests that Kobe once groped a Girl Scout.

And so on.

If you ever believed that a trade that put a continent between Bryant and O’Neal would serve to calm their tempestous relationship, just consider how foolish that is today. It seems these tabloid muckrakers are just getting their game faces on.

The latest revelation came this week when it was revealed that Bryant told investigators in Colorado on July 2, 2003, shortly after his infamous transgression, that Shaq has paid women up to $1 million to remain silent about sexual encounters. Earlier reports mentioned Kobe’s allegation that other players had paid hush money, but this was the first time it was made public that Shaq was the individual paying a stack of jack in order to get his freak on with discretion.

Shaq found out about this last fall and supposedly took it in stride. On Wednesday, he issued the customary statement of outrage to ESPN, undoubtedly on the advice of his handlers: “This whole thing is ridiculous. I never hang out with Kobe, I never hung around him. … And one last thing: I’m not the one buying love. He’s buying love.”

Wow. These two really, truly hate each other.

In fact, Kobe and Shaq may go down in history as the two biggest enemies ever in sports. Can you think of two people in sports who have exposed their personal animosity toward each other to such a public degree? This isn’t just the airing out of dirty laundry, it’s the smacking of it into each other’s face. Compared to them, Terrell Owens and Jeff Garcia are bosom buddies.

And what is most fascinating is the layers of dirt that promise to be exposed by these two verbal pugilists. Already they have gone from Sports Illustrated, to People magazine, to the Midnight Globe.

Kobe’s allegation is yet another glimpse into Kobe’s character. There he was, frightened that his carefully constructed good-guy empire would crumble as soon as the term “sexual assault” hit the airwaves, and his response was to drop the name of a teammate in an attempt to charm the detectives and protect his own backside.

Bryant tried to make the point that he was a better man than O’Neal because the Big Briber paid off his women, whereas Bryant had too much respect for the ladies he cheated with to offer them money. This, of course, opens up a whole new realm of possibilities for females who date married NBA players, including health benefits and unionization. But it also reminds the world that when the game is on the line — whether it’s the game of basketball or life — Kobe is all about Kobe.

This juicy morsel offered up by Bryant to the cops was probably done with every expectation that it would remain confidential, proving that the Lakers’ superstar is not only reckless but stupid as well. The truth always comes out. A choice allegation such as Shaq paying upwards of a million dollars to keep dalliances quiet can be suppressed only so long. Eventually someone with an agenda will let it leak, even if it sometimes takes months.

The more honorable course of action in situations like that is to keep one’s trap shut in the first place and try not to implicate others in one’s sordid adventures.

Now Shaq has a problem. He has to explain to his wife, Shaunie, that Bryant was mistaken, and not only did Shaq never pay women to button their lips, but that he has always been faithful. Of course, to pull that off, he’ll have to gather up every bank statement he’s ever received since he first met Shaunie and destroy them, lest she discover a few enormous withdrawals that he can’t explain. He’ll also have to buy her some bling-bling, and it will have to be worth more that the $4 million that Kobe spent on Vanessa’s forgiveness ring, so we’re talking bling-bling-bling.

Thanks, Kobe!

Shaq wasn’t as outraged last September — two weeks before the opening of Lakers’ training camp, when he first got wind of Kobe’s allegation — as he is now that it has been made public. It does offer some insight, though, especially when Shaq made the infamous remark, “The full team is here,” even though Bryant wasn’t present. That set forth a chain of events, including Bryant’s tirade to Jim Gray about Shaq’s lack of dedication.

Still, Shaq could have let Kobe slide before, writing it all off as the panicked blabberings of a man cornered in the worst situation of his life. But now that it’s out there, Shaq is retroactively incensed that Bryant shot off his mouth. This figures to ratchet up the post-divorce tensions.

This could all be quelled somewhat if Bryant comes out with an apology in the next day or two. He may do just that, so as not to appear like too much of a slimeball. The more information that is revealed about his private life and about his prickly relationship with O’Neal, the more difficult it will be for Bryant to rehabilitate his image and get back to the point where Madison Avenue can again present him as a sports hero.

But don’t count on an apology. The knives are out, and they’re likely to remain out. Pride and ego brought these two knuckleheads to this fever pitch, and a rapprochement is about as likely as Kobe passing up an open shot, or Shaq converting two from the line.

This may not be good for basketball, but it’s fabulous for supermarket tabloids.