Jelisa Castrodale

After the Heisman Trophy is awarded Saturday night, the results will be Facebooked, tweeted, Tumblred and texted before the winner even puts a full set of fingerprints on the cast bronze statue.

I’d hate to think the trophy didn’t make an appearance on almost every social network, so here’s what I’d imagine my Yelp review would look like next week, assuming you could wedge a Postseason Honors category between Pets and Professional Services.

Heisman Trophy ceremony, 3½ stars
My Saturday night started with the Pre-Announcement Reception Brought to You By Nissan, the Big & Tall Department of Your Local Menswear Retailer and Most of the Alphabet Except for the Letters U, S and C.

I’m not sure how the night’s organizers made the interior of the Best Buy Theater smell like a late-model Nissan Murano, but that’s what co-branding is about. The reception was, as promised, filled with former winners and VIPs, although looking at the former winners (Matt Leinart, everybody! And look over there! It’s Matt Leinart’s Wasted Potential!), you realize that those are two separate categories.

Everyone was fidgeting with their cufflinks, having a variation of the same awkward early-evening conversation that you overhear at parties without an open bar. I saw 2007 winner Tim Tebow standing by himself in the corner and approached him with a bottle of Dasani water.  “Hey Tim,” I said. “Would you mind New Testament-ing this into a nice Chardonnay? Or even some prescription cough syrup?”

Video   RG III: a Heisman and Olympic medal? Dec. 5, 2011: Baylor's Heisman finalist Robert Griffin III talks about his season and his Olympic aspirations.

He shook his head. “Miracles aren’t party tricks.  Besides, Leinart already asked.”

“For wine?” I said.

“No.  He wanted me to bring his career back to life.”

We settled into our seats for the announcement. Five men were nominated: Wisconsin RB Montee Ball, Baylor QB Robert Griffin III, Stanford QB Andrew Luck, LSU CB Tyrann Mathieu and Alabama RB Trent Richardson. After considering their seasons and watching their highlight reels, you almost wanted to award the trophy to all of them as an ensemble cast, but I was glad to see RG3 stepping around the potted poinsettias on his way to the stage.

The Heisman Trust’s mission statement assures us the trophy is awarded to “the outstanding football player whose performance best exhibits the pursuit of excellence with integrity.” 

Griffin meets all of the qualifications. The most scandalous thing he’s done is to fill his dresser drawers with Sesame Street-character socks ... and even then, they're probably officially-licensed products.

Griffin can do more for the Heisman than it can do for him. After still-in-your-Google-cache scandals involving Reggie Bush’s improper benefits and Cecil Newton’s alleged pay-for-play propositions, the award has picked up a thin varnish of sleaze. Griffin brings honor back to this honor (and he might want to bring some Purell to the banquet on Monday).

Special feature Heisman Hopefuls Who will win top individual prize this season? NBCSports.com

On top of that, Griffin made people ask “Did you see the Baylor game?”, which used to be a phrase you rarely heard, up there with “I’d like two tickets for ‘Jack & Jill’” or “No, let’s keep Rick Neuheisel.” He led Baylor to nine wins for the first time since 1986 and — although it’s not a career achievement award — the Bears had their best back-to-back season finishes since 1985-'86.

He led the nation with a 192.3 passer rating, broke his own school records for single-season passing yards (3,2998) and touchdowns (36) and, because of him, WR Kendall Wright earned his own spot in next year’s media guide after setting single season records for receiving yards and touchdowns.