Jelisa Castrodale

“Call us and ask how you can get a free tattoo,” it says in a small, sans serif font halfway down the page. The next line of type on Fine Line Ink’s website reads “Restrictions do apply”, so I guess that means “No Ohio State Starters, Not Anymore”.

I never expected to spend an afternoon reading about a Columbus tattoo parlor. Or a Baton Rouge dive bar. Or a string of Miami strip clubs. But thanks to college football's sanction-and-suspicion filled offseason, I've learned enough about all three to tour with a Guns N' Roses cover band . . . or to play in the SEC.

I didn't need to know that last Saturday night, Shady’s in Baton Rouge hosted a hip hop group called Partners-N-Crime, best known for a track called “So Attracted”. I almost confused them with Shady’s other partners in crime, LSU QB Jordan Jefferson and LB Josh Johns, who were “So Arrested” after allegedly using a 21-year-old man’s face as a doormat.

There are many reasons this was possibly the worst offseason ever, and that was before any of us read full-time Miami booster, part-time Ponzi schemer Nevin Shapiro’s jailhouse confessions. Seven of the AP's Top 25 (Auburn, Boise State, LSU, Ohio State, Oregon, USC, West Virginia) have been or are being investigated for violating NCAA rules.

So have Georgia Tech, Miami, Michigan, Tennessee and North Carolina. And unless your index finger hovers over the Page Refresh button, it’s hard to keep up with the criminal charges, with the arrests and the allegations. Maybe that’s why the ‘Caught Being Good’ section of the NCAA’s blog hasn’t been updated since April.

College football kickoff Sara D. Davis / AP CFT's preseason Top 25 When it's all said and done, look for Nick Saban and Alabama to finish on top. Opinion: At long last, Saban likely sticking around OU No. 1 in AP preseason poll   |  Coaches' too CFT: Conference predictions  |  Magazine picks Johnston: Six items to keep an eye on this season Castrodale: Whom to root for after icky offseason Johnston: Once again, it's all about the QBs Johnston: Rough season in store for ex-powers Saturday Storylines: Two doozies to kick it all off   In-depth look at season's top games Heisman Hopefuls |  Preseason All-American team   Coaching changes  |  Who's on the Hot Seat? Timeline: History of conference realignment

Before I could even finish this column, two Hawaii starters were suspended for a weekend brawl at the Zanzabar nightclub (described on Yelp as a place “you are guaranteed to see a fight”) and two Colorado State players were arrested at an apartment complex ‘mega-party.’

It hasn’t stopped. And now that the season has kicked off, it doesn’t matter.

Not that it’s OK that several major programs have had equally major meltdowns, or that some defense attorneys have been busier than some defensive coordinators, or that — scariest of all — Butch Davis has probably started to miss the Cleveland Browns.

But none of these issues is enough to keep fans away, not even the ones who spent the offseason shaking their collective heads and wringing their hands the hardest. For me, it’s had the opposite effect; I can’t WAIT for the focus to get back on the field so we can pretend that the last nine-ish months never happened.

I'm more than ready to stop looking back at the twisted wreckage of the offseason and start focusing on the season that stretches out in front of us like Jordan-Hare's freshly lined field.  There's a lot to look forward to between Thursday's first kickoff and the final quarter of the Tostitos-free BCS national championship game on Jan. 9.

Here are a handful of starters and storylines who promise to hold our attention and — as an added bonus — they're largely sleaze-free so you won't have to gargle with Purell if you find yourself shouting for them.

Russell Wilson
When the North Carolina State quarterback (and outfielder) told the school he’d like to do his best Drew Henson impression and spend the offseason playing baseball, they called him out: out of his scholarship, out of the program and potentially out of football.

Wilson, drafted in the fourth round by the Colorado Rockies in 2010, spent the summer at second base for the Asheville Tourists and after 193 at-bats, 82 strikeouts and a .228 average, he decided that, as baseball players go, he’s a pretty good quarterback.

Wilson traded his batting helmet for a Badgers helmet, and will spend his final season of eligibility at Wisconsin where he’s the starting QB and one of four team captains. Last season, he led the ACC in pass completions (308), passing yards (3,563) and touchdowns (28). Now he’ll attempt to balance out an offense that has been stellar on the ground (245.7 yards per game, 12th overall) but anemic in the air (199.46, 75th).

Thanks to both the Jim Tressel scars across the Big Ten and Wisconsin’s favorable schedule (which starts with five straight home or neutral-site games), Wilson could find himself wearing his fourth logo in two years: the one for the Allstate Sugar Bowl.

Andrew Luck
In the early 1990s, a pocket-square wearing Mr. T did a PSA with the tag line “Don’t be a fool, stay in school.” Stanford QB Andrew Luck must have listened. Despite being projected as the No. 1 overall pick in the NFL draft, he opted to return to Stanford for his junior year.

So, no pressure. Not to match the Cardinal’s 12-1 all-time best record, or their first season with more than 10 wins since 1992. Not to match his 70.7 completion percentage, his 3,338 passing yards or 32 touchdowns. Not to have the kind of year that makes seasoned scouts declare you're not only the best prospect since Peyton Manning but a better prospect.

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Luck must still have a lot of unticked boxes on his to-do list, like avenging the 52-31 loss to Oregon or getting another chance at the Heisman or hanging 40-plus points on another six teams. He's a smart kid, smart enough not to trade those opportunities for a QB job with the Carolina Panthers.

Right now, instead of prepping for San Jose State he’d be avoiding eye contact with Jimmy Clausen and wondering whether he’d be remembered more for his Bojangles commercials (at least 4 by now) than for his NFC championships (Zero, for a long time).

Also, is anyone else used to calling it the Pac-12 yet? Because I’m still writing “Pac-10” on all of my checks.

West Virginia
If I printed bumper stickers, I’d make one that says My Other Luck is An Oliver. Andrew’s dad is the AD at West Virginia University, where the Dana Holgorsen era will begin one year and 3,742 empty cans of Red Bull ahead of schedule.

Holgorsen is a walking exclamation point, which is exactly what the Mountaineers need after seeing Bill Stewart slumping on the sidelines. Holgo’s caffeine-stained calling card has been experimenting with the passing attack and QB Geno Smith is his new chemistry set.

If you’re a Mountaineers fan, Holgerson’s history is enough to make you drop a match on some upholstery. In his single season as offensive coordinator at Oklahoma State, his team finished the season ranked first in offense (537.6 yards per game), second in passing offense (354.7 ypg) and third in scoring (44.9 ppg), while setting five school records in total yards, scoring, passing yards and WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? WHY AREN’T YOU OUT OVERTURNING TOYOTAS?