Tiger still trying to control everything

Mike Celizic

Everything that lives is driven by something. For babies, it’s eating and pooping. For Wall Street bankers and brokers, it’s bonus checks. For Tiger Woods, it’s major golf tournaments and total control.

So it’s really no surprise Woods has chosen Augusta National and the Masters for his return to golf. It’s the year’s first major. If by some stroke of wild good fortune he should win it, he'll be one major closer to Jack Nicklaus and a bigger legend than even Phil Knight thinks he is. And if Woods doesn’t win, it’s still the safest, most controlled place he can possibly choose to return to work.

I won’t get into the winning part other than to say it’s an enormous stretch to suggest he can take nearly five months off, then step onto a course where he hasn’t won since 2005 and trounce the field. It would be interesting to know if Woods himself genuinely thinks he has a chance. He probably does.

We do know Woods thinks he can control everything in his life. That belief system worked pretty much flawlessly until last Thanksgiving, when he reportedly left his cell phone out and unlocked in a place where his wife could find it and read through his text messages. If you don’t know what happened next, what are you doing reading this?

Woods atoned by going through all the usual rehab and counseling that celebrities run to when their personal behavior offends the paying customers. He said he’s changed, but it’s hard to see in what way. He certainly hasn’t changed his approach to his public life or his business.

The choice of Augusta shows that. It’s the most controlled and controllable venue in golf, or any other game. From Tiger’s point of view, it’s as risk-free as it gets. Even the timing of his announcement is exquisitely planned, coming on a Tuesday, when nothing is happening, instead of Thursday or Friday, when it would butt up against the first round of the NCAA tournament. That gives Tiger the maximum exposure he craves.

Venerable old Augusta National is one of the most exclusive golf clubs in the world. It is one of a handful that still chooses to exclude half the human race from consideration for membership on the basis of their reproductive plumbing. Its handful of members are chosen by invitation only, and the course itself is so exclusive that for almost half the year — from mid-April to October — even the members can’t play it.

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The patrons, as they call ticket holders, are the most polite in the game, and most of them have been going to the tournament not for years for but decades. There is no crowd in any sport that is less likely to be impolite to a working golfer.

People who don’t have tickets can’t get on the property, or even close to it. And those who do have tickets and behave in a manner deemed unseemly will be escorted to the exit faster than they can say “Amen Corner.” So anyone who directs a zinger at Tiger can expect to be home hours earlier than planned.

Then there’s the media. Masters credentials are like Olympic credentials. You don’t call up the week before and ask for one, as you can at most tournaments. You get them months in advance, and the club strictly limits their numbers and recipients.

Video   Players react to Tiger's return March 16, 2010: Jim Furyk and other PGA Tour players think Tiger Woods will be prepared for his return at the Masters and are hoping they'll be able to go back to business as usual.

So Tiger doesn’t have to worry about reporters from TMZ, Perez Hilton, The Enquirer or even People being there to ask annoying questions about his wife and other female acquaintances. All he has to deal with is the usual Augusta press corps, composed overwhelmingly of men with expanding waistlines and receding hairlines.

Video   Miller: Tiger will struggle off the tee March 13, 2010: Dan Hicks and Johnny Miller discuss what aspect of the game Tiger Woods will struggle most with when he returns to the PGA Tour.

Rather than risk simply trusting himself to interact with such non-threatening folk, Tiger has to control even that. He has hired George W. Bush’s former presidential press secretary, Ari Fleischer, to coach him on how to handle the media. This is a man who knows how to stick to message.

I don’t know what advice Fleischer is giving Woods, but I can tell you how Tiger will deal with any questions about his personal life: He won’t. He’ll say he’s not talking about that but is talking about his golf game. Next question.

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So far, Woods has yet to answer a question from anyone outside his inner circle. He apologized to the world via prepared statement and satellite broadcast. He returns to golf via prepared communiqué from party headquarters.