Michael Ventre

Bowl season is here again. These are the playoffs, even though there aren’t really any playoffs. The NCAA doesn’t want a true playoff system, but it will sanction and promote the St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’ Brady’s, which tells you all you need to know about the NCAA.

The bowls are played so that people will have television programming in the background while they wrap presents. The bowls are held because practices and games keep players out of fistfights in nightclubs. The bowls take place because if they didn’t ESPN would threaten to televise more poker tournaments.

Of course, some bowls are better than others. Some will be memorable, no matter how preposterous the name. And others? Let’s just say it’s too bad the “Cash for Clunkers” program is over.

Here is a look at the good, the bad and the ugly in this year’s bowl lineup.

The good
Emerald Bowl:
Boston College vs. USC, Dec. 26, in San Francisco: This is the only bowl game in which both teams share the same sideline. It is believed that organizers did so in the event that Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino ever faced each other, so they wouldn’t have to walk too far to shake hands. The Trojans accepted a berth here for reasons of redemption, because it’s the only opportunity they’ll get this season to come within tackling distance of Stanford’s Toby Gerhart.

Citrus Bowl:
Penn State vs. LSU, Jan. 1, in Orlando, Fla.: This is sponsored by Capital One, which runs commercials showing men from medieval times using primitive weapons, which is fitting for a game involving Joe Paterno and his offense. And it’s being held in the same city that hosted all the recent Tiger Woods madness. So when the game announcers ask, “What’s in your wallet?” Tiger can say, “The number of a good divorce attorney.”

BCS national championship:
Alabama vs. Texas, Jan. 7, in Pasadena, Calif.: Certainly these are worthy finalists, with stars on the field and the sidelines. The real issue is whether the Ohio State fans will clear out in time for the Alabama and Texas fans to check in. If given the choice between going back to Columbus in January, or being arrested for trespassing in Pasadena, what would you do? Not so easy, is it?

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Rose Bowl:
Ohio State vs. Oregon, Jan. 1, in Pasadena, Calif.: Terrelle Pryor might as well be Richard Pryor, because there’s something insanely comical about having him trapped in an offense that is as daring as a red sweater vest. On top of that, Oregon’s Jeremiah Masoli, who is Pryor’s Bizarro World doppleganger, will be pulling off more magic tricks than Ricky Jay. The clash of styles, and the concept of Pryor restraint, make this worthy of an ESPN “30 for 30” documentary, while the Ducks’ outfits alone might earn them a guest spot on “Project Runway.”

Gator Bowl:
West Virginia vs. Florida State, Jan. 1, in Jacksonville, Fla.: This is Bobby Bowden’s farewell game for the Seminoles. It comes against a team he once coached. The most interesting question is whether Jim Smith, chairman of Florida State’s board of trustees, will demand Bowden’s ouster at halftime. The second-most interesting question is whether at some point in the contest Bowden does to Jimbo Fisher what Don Zimmer once tried to do to Pedro Martinez.

The bad
Sun Bowl:
Oklahoma vs. Stanford, Dec. 31, in El Paso, Texas: Some tantalizing tidbits are present: Both the Sooners’ Bob Stoops and the Cardinal’s Jim Harbaugh were top candidates for the Notre Dame job. Oklahoma’s Sam Bradford won the Heisman last season; Stanford’s Toby Gerhart came in second this year. Actually, this should be a pretty good game, except for the fact that it’s sponsored by Brut, so it’s going to be a stinker, one way or the other.

International Bowl:
South Florida vs. Northern Illinois, Jan. 2, in Toronto: Recently it was reported that South Florida coach Jim Leavitt grabbed a player by the throat, then struck him twice. It was believed to have occurred after the player informed Leavitt that South Florida would be playing in the International Bowl against Northern Illinois.