Mike Celizic

The first BCS poll is finally out, and you have to wonder if the results are due to voters and computers searching their neurons and transistors for truth or a monkey throwing darts at a board.

It probably doesn’t matter which method is being used. It’s hard to remember a year when there’s been less certainty about which college football team is the best in the land. Seven teams remain undefeated — Florida, Alabama, Texas, Boise State, Cincinnati, Iowa and TCU — but not one of them stands head and chinstrap above the rest.

The polls should all come with a disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein do not reflect objective reality.

My inclinations are to rant about how college football needs a playoff system like Glenn Beck needs a Valium. But there’s no point in that. It’s like telling K Street it doesn’t need another lobbyist: Nobody’s listening.

Instead, I’ll just fulminate about what a muddle this college football season is turning out to be. At a point when teams normally show why we should believe in them, it seems as if there was a contest going whose object was to show which top team is least deserving of its exalted ranking.

Florida, No. 1 on the coaches’ and Harris charts and No. 2 in AP hearts, needed a big assist from the zebras and some new heroics from Tim Tebow to eke out a comeback win over Arkansas, a team that was drilled by Alabama three weeks ago. The Gators will probably finish undefeated and get one berth in the BCS’ mythical championship game, but it would be nice if they could at least show that they have something going for them other than Tebow.

The Crimson Tide, second to the Gators according to the computers and coaches, and first according to the AP sportswriters, rolled past South Carolina 20-6. But, while Mark Ingram’s nearly 250 yards rushing were impressive, ‘Bama’s offense still has scored just two touchdowns in its past nine quarters. It’s as if the Tide seems determined to test the adage that defense wins titles.

Texas, the No. 3 team in every poll, hardly looked impressive in slipping past Oklahoma 16-13. The Sooners played without reigning Heisman Trophy winner Sam Bradford for most of the game, but Texas insisted on playing as if he’d been replaced by Brett Favre. On offense, alleged Heisman Trophy candidate Colt McCoy performed like a man playing the flute while wearing boxing gloves. One presumes that Texas is still No. 3 only because the voters began the year thinking of the Longhorns as national championship material, and they’re not going to let a little thing like the team’s actual performance change their minds.

For some reason, USC is fourth in the AP poll. The Trojans are another team that was highly ranked in the preseason, and no amount of misfortune on the field is going to change that. Cincinnati, Iowa, Boise State and TCU are all undefeated, but none of them rank ahead of the Trojans, who have lost to Washington, barely beat an ordinary Ohio State team, and on Saturday nearly lost to Notre Dame.

The polls don’t care how hard USC tries to show everyone it’s not the great team it used to be. It somehow climbed to fourth by virtue of beating Notre Dame, a team that is no longer deemed worthy of having a spot in the Top 25.

Boise State is either fifth or sixth, depending on the poll, the same as Cincinnati. Then comes TCU in two polls and Iowa in one.

We’re all familiar with Boise State crying about not getting any respect, and it doesn’t. But it’s for good reason: If you want respect, play in a respectable conference, or at least have the decency to lay a decent whupping on Tulsa, instead of sneaking away with a one-touchdown win.

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That leaves us with the team that really has call to be reaching for the Kleenex: Iowa. The Hawkeyes thrashed Penn State, snuck past Michigan, and beat Wisconsin by 10. If they were Ohio State or Michigan and had the same results, they’d be ranked no worse than fourth; they’d certainly be ahead of USC. But because they’re Iowa, they have a big climb ahead just to get into the Top 5.

If the top teams continue to play as if their positions are already secure, that may be easier for an Iowa. But no matter what TCU and Boise State do, they’re still not going to rise into one of the top two rankings — and a shot at the BCS’ big crystal football.

The fairness of that is an argument for another day.

For this week, it’s still about the teams that have been marked as the nation’s best since before the season began. Florida, Alabama and Texas remain undefeated, but as we watch the season enter its final month, we’re left to wonder when any or all of them will start to play up to their rankings.

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