Seattle Mariners, Major League (allegedly) Baseball
Record: 61-101 in 2008
Last championship: One of only three teams (Rangers, Expos/Nationals) to never play in the World Series

The Mariners were thought to be contenders after a solid 2007 season. They traded for ace Erik Bedard, giving up a load of young talent in the deal, and signed Carlos Silva. What a rotation! Here come the playoffs!

Uh, no.

Instead, the Mariners finished dead last, 14 1/2 games out of third place. On the bright side, they did make history … as the first team with a payroll of more than $100 million to lose at least 100 games. The Mariners paid nearly $2 million for each victory (second only to the Yankees). So at least that’s something they’re good at.

But this sorry bunch doesn’t even know how to lose properly, handing the No. 1 overall draft pick to the Nats after a pointless, season-ending sweep of the Oakland A’s.

Think the future is bright? Well, let’s just say new general manager Jack Zduriencik has his hands full. Only two of the franchise’s seven minor league teams made the postseason in 2008.

Seattle SuperSonics, NBA
Record: 20-62 in 2008
Last championship: 1979

The Sonics are currently masquerading as the Oklahoma City Thunder, and it's difficult to see why no one saw it coming.

Rich man from Oklahoma City buys Sonics. Oklahoma City has an unused arena, a city that had just successfully hosted the Hornets when Hurricane Katrina chased the team out of New Orleans.

But the rich man said he was committed to making things work in Seattle. He wouldn’t lie would he?

You’ve heard the line from The Godfather right? “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Well, Sonics owner Clay Bennett was going to make Seattle an offer it couldn’t accept.

Ted S. Warren / Ap File KeyArena, previously the home of the Seattle SuperSonics, will lie dormant on many nights this winter.

He insisted he wanted to stay in Seattle. All he needed was $500 million in taxpayer funds to build a new arena in Renton, about 20 minutes (in good traffic) south of Seattle.

If he had expected the public to actually go for that wonderful idea, then he would’ve instead asked for $1 billion to build an arena in Walla Walla. And throw in a free Starbucks every day, too.

Then, after being rejected, he could throw his hands up in the air and whine to David Stern. “See what I’m dealing with here? These people are impossible! Well, at least I tried. Hmmm, wonder what’s going on in OKC?”

Bennett also spoke about how much he loved Staples Center, home of the Lakers and Clippers, and how nice it would be to have such a beautiful palace in Seattle. He failed to mention that Staples Center was privately financed.

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Stern, a buddy of Bennett’s who will occasionally lob thinly veiled threats at cities with what he deems inadequate facilities (you’re next Milwaukee!), has been amazingly sympathetic and kind-hearted toward Seattle fans.

Recently, he offered this helpful advice: “You know, we have something over 900 games available on NBA League Pass … So there’s a lot out there in terms of content and a lot of an ability to follow our league. If they are so inclined, then we certainly invite them and welcome them.”

So the team is gone, but at least we can still watch them play on TV … for a small fee. Wonderful.

Forgive us, Mr. Stern, if we pass on that generous offer. We’ll be too busy watching junior hockey. We hear the Seattle Thunderbirds aren’t in last place. Yet.

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