She’ll be giving the keynote speech at a big fundraising dinner Friday. Her message will be so much more poignant now that she’s come clean about her past.

Chris Newlin, the facility’s executive director, points to statistics that show one in four girls and one in seven boys under the age of 18 will be the victims of sexual abuse. He’s hopeful that Hoelzer’s story will raise awareness even more.

“It’s very courageous of her to offer us a face to what a number of children in our country are going through,” Newlin said. “There’s a lot of value in someone of her prominence coming forward. What it really speaks to is how this affects people across a broad spectrum.”

While steadfast in her decision to talk openly, Hoelzer worries about reopening old wounds, especially within her own family.

A tear stream downs her cheek when she mentions the mother who still feels guilty about not recognizing what her daughter was going through, the older sister who still believes she should have been there to protect little Margaret.

Swimming was a 'way for me to build confidence'
Hoelzer is quick to point out that much of her childhood was happy, “normal.”

She began swimming year-round when she was 8, and quickly became one of the best in the city, then one of the best in the state, and finally one of the best in the nation.

“I always felt like swimming was the one thing I could control,” Hoelzer said. “I can’t control other people. I can’t control whether or not I beat someone or how they swim. But I could control how good I was.”

Auburn gave her a swimming scholarship, and she made her first Olympic team in 2004. By then, though, Hoelzer had reached a troubling point in her life, one she eventually traced back to her childhood trauma.

She was no longer swimming the best times of her life. Not even close. Hoelzer finished fifth at the Athens Games in the 200-meter backstroke, a bitter disappointment. Things didn’t get much better over the next two years, either. Finally, after a decent showing at the 2006 Pan Pacific Championships but still short of a personal best, she crumpled under the weight of her emotions.

“This isn’t normal. I didn’t swim that bad,” she thought to herself. “Why am I feeling like I have no value as a person?”

Hoelzer, in counseling for more than a year after telling her parents of being abused, decided it was time to return to therapy.

During the process, Hoelzer dredged up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings and memories. But she also began to gain a better understanding of herself.

“I was looking for a sense of peace within myself, and I was looking for a sense of confidence,” Hoelzer said. “Since I’ve been back in counseling, the biggest thing I’ve learned is that what (sexual abuse) does. It undermines people’s value. It undermines their self-confidence. I think that’s what swimming was for me for so many years. I was thinking it was something I could control, but it was really a way for me to build confidence.”

Removing that burden from her swimming, she blossomed again in the pool. Hoelzer claimed her first world championship, winning the 200 backstroke at Melbourne last year. She set a world record in the 200 back at the Olympic trials and claimed an unlikely spot on the team in the 100 back.

At Beijing, she was beaten in her best event by former college roommate Kirsty Coventry of Zimbabwe, who also reclaimed the world record. Hoelzer was disappointed, naturally, but she also saw the value of silver. And it didn’t hurt when she added a bronze in the 100 back and another silver as a member of the medley relay team.

“I wonder if I had won if I would have felt this sense of peace and contentment was just because I won,” Hoelzer said. “The fact that I can sit here and say, ’I just won a silver medal and I’m content and at peace with myself,’ to me that conveys that it’s real.”

And time to go public with her secret.

Still, Hoelzer wonders if it’s all worth it.

“I still have so many unresolved issues,” she said. “My self-confidence is better, it’s definitely better. But it’s not there all the time. I have good days. I have bad days.”

She’s never been able to lower her guard long enough to have any sort of meaningful romantic relationship, even as she devours the latest romance novel. She’s never been on more than two dates with anyone.

“For me, it’s just such a trust issue,” she said. “I really have a hard time getting to know people, and letting people get to know me.”

Recently, Hoelzer was among the 150 U.S. Olympians who appeared on the season premiere of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” While everyone else reveled in the moment, she looked around nervously, knowing that all those people on stage — not to mention all those people watching at home — would soon know her own painful story.

Only her family and closest friends know what happened. She’s never even told any Olympic teammates.

“I think my biggest fear is letting my guard down,” she said. “What if no one cares?”

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