Skip navigation
Site powered by
Latest news:
msnbc.com: Top msnbc.com headlines: Violence widens ahead of Greek austerity vote

Temptations for college football fans to avoid

From Bowden's ACC favorite Tigers to Rich Rod's new-look Wolverines

Image: Michael CrabtreeGetty Images file
Not getting overexcited about Michael Crabtree and the Red Raiders starting 7-0 this season heads Sporting News' Spencer Hall's list of college football temptations to avoid.

• I accept that if the Oregon Duck beats up another mascot, I will attempt to respond with an appropriate, adult response, and will point out how unfortunate it is that this has to happen. Then, I will fall onto the floor rolling with laughter at footage of a man in a duck suit going mercenary on a hapless mascot.

• I will despise watching without guilt as Miami of Florida plays anywhere with functional plumbing and fully enclosed end zones, because the death of the Orange Bowl is a culture crime of the first order.

• I will not watch a game I do not care about. I will, however, just happen to have it on while my eyeballs are looking directly at the television. There's a difference, you know.

• I will try not to fear for Nick Saban's life when his veins bulge scarily as he stands on the sideline.

• I will gain five pounds this season. It's an inverse relationship with the players; any body fat they have aerosolizes, floats through the television and lands on me. Sitting for 10 hours straight on a Saturday does that, especially when you have an open bag of Cheetos Flamin' Hot on the table at all times.

• I will attempt to care about Al Groh football. Again, I will accept it when I fail in this task. Al Groh won't care.

• I will not fall under the irresistible sway of Southern Cal as the permanent No. 1 pick, nor get suckered by Pete Carroll's Facebook page, his refusal to sleep more than an hour at a time, his flashy website, or the effervescent, glitzy Hollywood mojo perpetually surrounding the Trojans' program.

• I will succumb to this when/if Southern Cal beats Ohio State, and then will only flag in schoolgirl awe when USC lets its guard down, loses to a lesser Pac-10 team, then incinerates whomever it faces in its bowl game.

• I will continue my tradition of narrating everything I do from September to January in a terrible Keith Jackson voice. No one said this was advisable, or even necessarily appropriate. "WHOA, NELLIE! That's a humdinger of a colonoscopy machine you've got there, doctor."

• I will make one random bet on Ole Miss as an underdog this season, because Houston Nutt's teams every year up and bite at least one team with which they have no business running. It's in the almanac. We promise.

• I will step willingly into the South-Florida-as-Big-East-champion bear trap. Go ahead, open it for me. I'm waiting.

• I will wager heavily that Oregon will be better than most suspect, especially on defense. I also will bet that safety/rover Patrick Chung will be an extremely polite, sportsmanlike person to opposing wide receivers, especially when he helps them pick up their teeth off the turf as a gentleman would.

• I will also wager that the Tennessee "Clawfense" with new offensive coordinator Dave Clawson will, after a period of great confusion, scale back its alleged complexity and look exactly like the Cutcliffe/Sanders offenses of the past.

• I will also wager that Maryland will look mediocre, struggle on offense, frustrate even its most loyal fans, lose one game on national television in humiliating fashion, and still win nine games.

• I will not drink the "chaser" at LSU tailgates if I make it to Baton Rouge, because the "chaser" is two handles of gin mixed with two bottles of Fresca. This is how people end up in the cage attempting to play with Mike the Tiger at 2 in the morning.

• Finally, if Georgia wins the national title, then the keg's on us, Matthew Stafford. Strictly for workout purposes, of course. Overhead lifts are great for core muscle development.

© 2012 Sporting News


< Prev | 1 | 2

advertisement
More news
Image: Boston College v Miami
Getty Images
'I'm taking that program down'

Miami coach Al Golden says the worst is behind him, but his headaches figure to continue now that former booster Nevin Shapiro, now in jail, says his involvement with the Hurricanes program will result in stiff penalties.

Image: LSU quarterback Jefferson is stripped of the ball by Alabama's Hightower during the second half of the NCAA BCS National Championship college football game in New Orleans
Reuters
CFT: Jefferson says 'Alabama was more prepared'

CFT: Jordan Jefferson makes it clear he wasn't happy with LSU's game plan in the Tigers' BCS Championship Game loss to Alabama.

Special feature
Heisman Hopefuls
Who will win top individual prize this season?

NBCSports.com

Video: Football from NBC Sports
Memphis fulfills BCS dream
Tigers officials thrilled to announce that school has been accepted to join the Big East Conference in 2013.

Slideshow
Image: Joe Paterno
  Joe Paterno (1926-2012)
A look at the career of legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno

NBCSports.com

Slideshow
Image:
  BCS title game
Check out photos of Crimson Tide's victory over Tigers.

more photos

Slideshow
Image: Kansas State running back Pease is tackled by Arkansas defensive tackle Jones during the Cotton Bowl Classic football game in Arlington, Texas
  Bowled over
Check out the action from the postseason games.

NBCSports.com

Slideshow
Kansas vs Oklahoma State
  All-American team
Check out which players were best of the best at each position.

NBCSports.com

Slideshow
Image: Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio - Wisconsin v Oregon
  College cheer
Check out some of the college football cheerleaders from across the country.

NBCSports.com

Slideshow
Image: Snee, 8, son of New York Giants player Chris Snee and head coach Coughlin's grandson plays in the confetti after the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots in the NFL Super Bowl XLVI football game in Indianapolis
  The Week in Sports Pictures
The Giants on top of the football world, getting ready for the London Olympics and more.

more photos