• I accept that if the Oregon Duck beats up another mascot, I will attempt to respond with an appropriate, adult response, and will point out how unfortunate it is that this has to happen. Then, I will fall onto the floor rolling with laughter at footage of a man in a duck suit going mercenary on a hapless mascot.

• I will despise watching without guilt as Miami of Florida plays anywhere with functional plumbing and fully enclosed end zones, because the death of the Orange Bowl is a culture crime of the first order.

• I will not watch a game I do not care about. I will, however, just happen to have it on while my eyeballs are looking directly at the television. There's a difference, you know.

• I will try not to fear for Nick Saban's life when his veins bulge scarily as he stands on the sideline.

• I will gain five pounds this season. It's an inverse relationship with the players; any body fat they have aerosolizes, floats through the television and lands on me. Sitting for 10 hours straight on a Saturday does that, especially when you have an open bag of Cheetos Flamin' Hot on the table at all times.

• I will attempt to care about Al Groh football. Again, I will accept it when I fail in this task. Al Groh won't care.

• I will not fall under the irresistible sway of Southern Cal as the permanent No. 1 pick, nor get suckered by Pete Carroll's Facebook page, his refusal to sleep more than an hour at a time, his flashy website, or the effervescent, glitzy Hollywood mojo perpetually surrounding the Trojans' program.

• I will succumb to this when/if Southern Cal beats Ohio State, and then will only flag in schoolgirl awe when USC lets its guard down, loses to a lesser Pac-10 team, then incinerates whomever it faces in its bowl game.

• I will continue my tradition of narrating everything I do from September to January in a terrible Keith Jackson voice. No one said this was advisable, or even necessarily appropriate. "WHOA, NELLIE! That's a humdinger of a colonoscopy machine you've got there, doctor."

• I will make one random bet on Ole Miss as an underdog this season, because Houston Nutt's teams every year up and bite at least one team with which they have no business running. It's in the almanac. We promise.

• I will step willingly into the South-Florida-as-Big-East-champion bear trap. Go ahead, open it for me. I'm waiting.

• I will wager heavily that Oregon will be better than most suspect, especially on defense. I also will bet that safety/rover Patrick Chung will be an extremely polite, sportsmanlike person to opposing wide receivers, especially when he helps them pick up their teeth off the turf as a gentleman would.

• I will also wager that the Tennessee "Clawfense" with new offensive coordinator Dave Clawson will, after a period of great confusion, scale back its alleged complexity and look exactly like the Cutcliffe/Sanders offenses of the past.

• I will also wager that Maryland will look mediocre, struggle on offense, frustrate even its most loyal fans, lose one game on national television in humiliating fashion, and still win nine games.

• I will not drink the "chaser" at LSU tailgates if I make it to Baton Rouge, because the "chaser" is two handles of gin mixed with two bottles of Fresca. This is how people end up in the cage attempting to play with Mike the Tiger at 2 in the morning.

• Finally, if Georgia wins the national title, then the keg's on us, Matthew Stafford. Strictly for workout purposes, of course. Overhead lifts are great for core muscle development.

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