OPINION

By Spencer Hall

updated 4:59 a.m. ET Aug. 9, 2008

The first step in any 12-step program is admitting you have a problem, and you do. The issue is college football, and you have a problem.

You will, whether you like it or not, be offered at least four games of football each Saturday. Double-stack the televisions or get the picture-in-picture working, and you can eye-boggle between eight games. If you're a real daredevil, you can pop open the laptop, get a streaming feed going, and then burst into flame from overstimulation. (Essential supplies for fall: beer, snacks and a functional fire extinguisher.)

The second step will be forgetting you ever went through step one and completely denying you have any problem with college football. Good for you -- all those support group meetings are so annoying, and the finger food at those things sucks almost as much as Louisville's 2007 pass defense did.

The third step will be making a list of all the mistakes you will not make again as a college football fan. My own follows.

• I will not become overly excited by a 7-0 Texas Tech team.

• I accept that I will do so anyway, and will attempt to enroll in Mike Leach's Pirate School sometime around Oct. 1.

• I will not buy into a championship Clemson team until Tommy Bowden hoists significant hardware over his head. Clemson has been my tequila pick for the past three years running, and every time it does precisely what tequila does: an initial rush of adrenaline, glee, and then everything spins out of control. Then the nausea arrives.

• I will have manageable expectations for Rich Rodriguez. Michigan's Steven Threet, meet Pat White. You both have two legs and play quarterback. There, we've listed everything you have in common.

• I will make it at least 20 minutes into a Pam Ward broadcast without falling asleep.

• I will fall asleep 15 minutes into this attempt.

• I will do my best not to anger Rey Maualuga in any way so as to reduce the number of casualties on the field and lessen the strain on our overtaxed health care system.

• I will assist Drew Weatherford and Ben Mauk in their appeals for a 13th year of eligibility from the NCAA.

• I will avoid making jokes about Joe Paterno's age, and send him a letter via Pony Express to tell him about this.

• I will not take out my anger at a bad play on anything that costs more than $10.

• I will chart the number of times Chris Spielman gets so excited he loosens his tie with his bulging neck. I will lose count somewhere in the high tens of thousands.

• I will go to Shreveport, La., the most beautiful city in northwestern Louisiana, and soak up all the flavor and ambience it has to offer a curious tourist. I will wear a flak jacket when I do this.

• I will give Beanie Wells every possible chance to win my theoretical Heisman vote, because he is cleated evil in all of the best possible senses of "cleated evil."

• I will vote for Tim Tebow anyway because I want him to circumcise my unborn sons.

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