John Walters

We begin with an allegory.

On Wednesday, Notre Dame formally introduced its 12th athletic director, 1976 alumnus John "Jack" Swarbrick. Reading his curriculum vitae, I was reminded of the dinner scene from the movie "Rushmore".

As pertains to our tale, Swarbrick, a magna cum laude graduate of Notre Dame who holds a law degree from Stanford, is Dr. Peter Flynn (Luke Wilson), the indomitably impressive young physician. Notre Dame is Rushmore, and/or Rosemary Cross, the unattainable ideal. And you and I are Max Fischer, our infatuation with Rushmore and/or the fair Miss Cross unquenchable, our own bona fides not quite measuring up to the object of our affection.

Max: "So tell me, Curly, how do you know Miss Cross?"

Dr. Flynn: "We went to Harvard together."

Max: "Oh that's great. I wrote a hit play, so I'm not sweating it, either."

Dr. Flynn -- or a multimillionaire such as Harold Blume -- will always have a better shot with Miss Cross than you and I. Just as Jack Swarbrick -- one blogger gleefully noted "I like the fact that he's got a name out of a Clancy novel" -- will always have an inside track to the athletic director's job at Notre Dame. An Indianapolis resident for nearly three decades, Swarbrick was instrumental in 1) persuading the NCAA to relocate its headquarters to the Hoosier state's capital, 2) getting Indianapolis its first Final Four and 3) helping Indy land its first Super Bowl, which will take place in 2012.

You and I? We saved Latin ... but that's not enough.

Which does not mean that we do not care. Nor does it mean that you, me and thousands of others who are obsessed with or graduated from (or both) Notre Dame will not play athletic director ourselves in the coming weeks. Jack Swarbrick formally takes office in South Bend on Aug. 18. Between now and then, no shortage of suggestions will come his way as to what the direction of Notre Dame athletics should be. Consider this just one more from the founder of the beekeeping society and the Yankee racers club:

1. Hire an African-American head coach. Somewhere. Anywhere. The University of Notre Dame offers 24 intercollegiate varsity sports and yet in the entirety of the school's history (1842-present), there has been just one African-American head coach. One. And yet the precedent for which that coach will best be known is not that he was the school's first black head coach, but that he was the first head football coach who was not allowed to serve out the entirety of his contract. Twenty-four sports, Mr. Swarbrick. Surely there must be one qualified African-American head coach out there somewhere.

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2. Use a step-ladder if you must, but get off your high horse. Not you in particular, Mr. Swarbrick, but Notre Dame in general. You know that really tall dude who adorns the south wall of the Hesburgh Library? The one with the beard and sandals and no permanent address? Would he be welcome on campus today? Certainly he would not be welcome in the athletic director's box to see a game or a Board of Trustees conference call, but would he even be allowed to stand in the student section? There's a tune we all remember from our days of Sunday night dorm masses that goes, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers/That you do unto me ...". There's a strong and not inaccurate impression among both us alumni and visitors that those brothers who earn less than $100 thousand per year just don't matter. Do your best to change that perception.

3. The football schedule: One directional town opponent per year, max. West Lafayette, East Lansing. It's a common cry from the Notre Dame community: We are all bored with having both Michigan State and Purdue on the calendar (especially when Michigan is penned in through 2031). One-third of the Notre Dame schedule was against the Big Ten last season (Penn State as well) and as long as you're going to do that, why not mix it up? You may have noticed that the South and North Quads are littered with natives of Chicago, Milwaukee and the Twin Cities as well. Why not schedule a Northwestern, Wisconsin or even Minnesota once in awhile? Northwestern, the one Midwestern school whose academic traits most closely parallel Notre Dame's, is a brainy no-brainer. And I really believe that we'll be good enough to beat them in a year or two.

4. Kindly but firmly advise basketball coach Mike Brey that he can outfit his team in black jerseys as long as he agrees to wear a tie.

5. UCLA. The Bruins are the greatest hoops rivalry in Notre Dame history. Why is it moribund?

6. Listen to Digger. There are some -- many, in fact -- who regard Richard "Digger" Phelps as somewhat of a clown. But you know what? Phelps, who still lives just a block from campus, gets Notre Dame. Always has. And like you, Mr. Swarbrick, he was around during that golden age of the '70s, when Notre Dame's revenue sports were both at their zenith and the student body could not have been more in sync with the school's character. More should come into play than simple oratory, but witness a pep rally this autumn in which both Phelps and head coach Charlie Weis speak. Then you'll begin to understand the gap between where we've been and where we are.

7. After each press conference or public appearance you make, have Chuck Lennon, the Executive Director of the school's Alumni Association, speak. The school has no better ambassador.

8. Understand and appreciate the contributions of Kevin White. Under the former athletic director, the department's physical plant was expanded and elevated. Witness the renovated JACC, the new softball stadium, the soon-to-be-built ice rink (for a program that played in the Frozen Four last March). The football contract with NBC is in place until 2015. In other words, concentrate on managing what you've been given rather than creating something new. If Coach Weis cannot bring home eight wins with the Gug at his disposal, that's his problem.

9. You've got Olympic experience. Suggest, at the next NCAA meeting, an Olympics-type championship among Division I schools. In other words, any sport that has an Olympic counterpart (swimming, diving, fencing) will be able to earn points toward a year-long Olympics award. Each school is a member nation, and thus non-revenue sports may just generate greater interest if their finish counts toward's the school's "medal count". Just an idea. Meet me at Corby's and we'll discuss.

10. Finally ... do I even have to say it? Beat USC!

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