OPINION

By Spencer Hall

updated 3:36 p.m. ET Sept. 23, 2008

Mike Gundy's chief achievement last year as head coach of the Oklahoma State Cowboys was to make sure that you, me, and every other person on the face of the planet became familiar with his talking points, aka. the Unified Field Theory of Mike Gundyness.

He thought it was important enough to spend a whole press conference discussing it. Considering how red-faced and scary he looked during the whole thing, I am not going to disagree with him.

In case you missed the two essential components of the theory, I will review them below.

Mike Gundy is a man.

Mike Gundy is 40. (OK, he turned 41 in August)

If you had children, you'd understand this.

Gundy's explosive introduction of his theory was the press conference meltdown of the year, but the glorious thing about history is that it keeps topping itself.

This year's list of bubbling teakettles ready to go crazy-go-nuts on the press postgame is our topic this week, with each coach listed under his appropriate Homeland Security threat level based on his likelihood of attacking you, me, the media and the free world.

Green: Low Risk of Coaching Attack
Pete Carroll, Southern California: Too busy chatting on Facebook page, boogie-boarding, and running around Compton at 3 a.m. meeting and greeting the troubled youth of L.A. to be angry, man. Pete has reporters eating from his hand like trained deer and another illegally talented recruiting class baking in the oven. Vita e bella, baby.

Jim Grobe, Wake Forest: His resting heart rate of 56 beats a minute prevents any real possibility of an angry outburst. Basset hounds describe him as "relaxed."

Howard Schnellenberger, FAU: Angry fit would make fine linen suits sweaty, thus creasing his impeccably tailored jackets and shirts. A real gangsta stays cool, and Schnellenberger is positively frosty even in the heat of Boca Raton, Fla. Plus: They just won their first bowl game in history.

Blue: General Risk of Coaching Attack
Bo Pelini, Nebraska: Running a reclamation job on Nebraska will test the patience of any man, but most especially someone who oversaw their once-proud defense at its finest. A good comparison? Letting a friend borrow your car for two weeks and discovering he spilled coffee all over the dash, replaced your high-performance gas with rotgut regular grade and ripped the bumper off on the corner of the house. He deserves at least one big fit in year one.

Les Miles, LSU: After the "Have A Great Day" speech before the SEC Championship last year, Les has a luxury box at the Blue Threat level reserved for him in perpetuity.

Yellow: Significant Risk of Coaching Attack
Dan Hawkins, Colorado: Perhaps "attack" is the wrong word here, since Hawkins doesn't so much explode out of anger as he just gets really, really excited, yells a lot, and starts gesturing and shaking like a toddler fresh from binging on Halloween candy. Still, he's on the watch list. We'd bet even odds on him speaking very loudly and curiously in public at least once this year, and double down on him quoting some new age-y Buddhist maxim in the process.

Bonus: May conclude public fit with motivational gimmick like shooting an apple off a reporter's head, bungee jumping out the nearest window or doing the whole thing remotely while soaring overhead on a hang glider.

Rich Rodriguez, Michigan: Not a tepid type on the sidelines and still nursing a rash from the negative press surrounding his departure from West Virginia, Rodriguez is an elevated watch pick to click ... especially in late November. Why? Oh, no reason.

Rich Brooks, Kentucky: Just because he's old, kind of reminiscent of Red Foreman from That 70s Show, and fond of using profanities at work. In other words, a role model for us all and an American hero. He'll probably toss a gale-force tizzy just because he's retiring soon and, after rebuilding the Kentucky program, can do whatever the hell he likes. (And that's just how he'd say it, too. I repeat: Rich Brooks, American Hero.)

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