5. San Diego State Aztec
I saw Apocalypto, and as bloody and messy as a bar fight can be I see no need to bring human sacrifice into the equation. Pretty sure that's against every criminal code in the known universe, and we're not even talking about the public health code violations involved here.

4. Wofford Terrier
He might not be on the list if "terrier" meant "pit bull terrier," in which case you'd have seen Wofford's ferociously muscled, throat-seeking canine death bullet on our list of "Mascots you want on your side in a bar fight." Unfortunately, for Wofford, we are discussing the Boston Terrier, not the pit bull, the little black and white snub-nosed terriers usually spied in old ladies' laps panting heavily.

From the Wikipedia breed description:

Many Bostons cannot tolerate excessive heat and also extremely cold weather, because of the shortened muzzle, so hot or cold weather combined with demanding exercise can bring harm to a Boston Terrier. A sensitive digestive system is also typical of the Boston Terrier. In the absence of proper diet, flatulence is associated with the breed.

So, short of picking him up and throwing him at someone during the bar fight, the Boston Terrier is as useful as having Abe Vigoda on your side. Abe, however, has one advantage over the Wofford terrier: Abe Vigoda cannot be drawn from the fight by the sight of a thrown tennis ball. (Possible additional advantage: Abe Vigoda might be dead already and therefore cannot be killed.)

3. UAB Blazer
This is a deceptive pick: The mythical creature of the dragon is not only covered in armored scales and capable of shooting fire from his nostrils but is allegedly magical. One crippling problem: Being immortal, he has no concern for anything but his pile of treasure, as dragons are really just huge, cold-blooded flying leprechauns with fangs. Correction: That's fire-breathing leprechauns with wings who can shoot fire from their mouths.

Fighting for you isn't even on the Blazer's list of things to do today, which consists of a) Sitting on pile of gold, and b) Think about acquiring more gold.

Why Oklahoma State didn't adopt the dragon as its mascot is beyond me, as this list of things to do is identical to OSU uber-booster T. Boone Pickens' agenda every single day for the rest of his life, with one important difference: T. Boone is real and really does have a pile of gold for a desk chair.

2. Testudo, the Maryland Terrapin
At a speed disadvantage to begin with, the turtle presents no offense, a suspect defense and from our extensive research (read: hours of watching Animal Planet) might be drawn from the bar fight with little more than the wave of a leaf of lettuce. Like all reptiles, he is little to no help in bars with even adequate air-conditioning because he will go into hibernation.

Testudo also is helpless for hours if knocked onto his back. The only upside: He might be dropped into a sock and used as a ferocious melee weapon.

1. Otto the Orange, Syracuse
The sad confluence of a program on the skids and its defenseless mascot, the Orange possesses a litany of weaknesses. He is unsuitable not only for bar fighting but for starting even minor scuffles in retirement homes or daycare centers.

A spherical orange with legs protruding from it, one fall puts the Syracuse Orange into an indefensible fighting position. In fact, the Orange might be the most eminently punchable mascot around: Soft, plush and bearing a fixed, perpetually giddy smile.

Otto is just begging to be punched, an unnecessary and cruel gesture given the lowly state of Syracuse football.

Testament to Otto's weakness? Charley Steiner once merc'd Otto with a car door in a SportsCenter commercial, so weak are his fighting skills. Getting choked out by an angry Peter Gammons or knocked flat by a raging Barry Melrose ... those things we could understand.

When the World Wide Leader's own Dr. Giggles owns you in a Bristol, Conn., parking lot, however, your status as least brawl-worthy mascot transcends mere assumption and becomes scientific fact. To paraphrase another classic ad: Otto, come out and get your whoopin'. As king of the bottom rank of Mascot MMA, it's only your due.

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