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5. The Stanford Tree
Laugh if you will, but the sheer fright factor of the Tree, a frankencostume seemingly sewn together from 20 or so other previous Tree costumes, presents a good selling point all by itself. Throw in the Tree's real and verifiable record brawling with other mascots effectively and the Tree goes from merely interesting to a callback-worthy candidate — even without having clearly defined arms. (The Tree also is the only mascot on this list ever arrested for public drunkenness while working in their capacity as official mascot.)
4. The Michigan Wolverine
You know who wolverines hate? You. And you and you and you and you.
Mythical in their nastiness, Michigan officials once attempted to keep a wolverine in a cage on the sidelines during games; the animal's wrathful glare and frightening growls proved too disturbing, and the effort was abandoned without regret early in Michigan's football history.
Wolverines have a legendarily horrific odor, can eat frozen meat off the bone with ease and possess such disproportionate strength they can take down a moose in the right circumstances.
If the Wolverine doesn't scare your opponent to death, the reeking stink of its natural oils will have them fleeing the scene with tears in their eyes.
3. Big Red
You're enraged. You're looking to punch someone. You turn around, looking to swing, and you see Western Kentucky's mascot standing in front of you. That's how a bar fight starts with punches and ends with grown men rolling on the floor with laughter. You can't possibly stay angry looking at Big Red — not for one nanosecond, sir.
2. The Arkansas Razorback
Oh, piggie! How cute! Piggie says thanks, but if you really want to help, he is making a cocktail and needs some ice, bourbon and a few gallons of the blood of his enemies, m'kay? Razorbacks can weigh upwards of 500 pounds and are stone cold killing machines with knives in their mouths, incredible stamina and a bloodlust a highway killer would call "impressive."
Ragnar, a former Arkansas Razorback mascot, escaped once and killed seven rattlesnakes, a 450-pound domestic hog and a coyote before being captured. You want the Razorback on your side in a fight if only to keep him from being on the other side. Bonus: He has an extremely low center of gravity and can be eaten if killed in combat.
1. Mike VI, the LSU Tiger
He weighed 330 pounds when he arrived at LSU but will top out at somewhere between 700 and 800 pounds, making him the largest Bayou Bengals mascot ever. (A slightly inaccurate term here because Mike VI is half-Siberian Tiger; thus, his immense size.)
Mike will be able to, at the peak of his powers, leap 15 feet in the air and across 30 feet of empty space. He can break the back of a bear with one blow from his paw, knock out cattle with a single swat and can crack femur bones with his teeth.
Sure, there's no guarantee he'll stay on your "side" in a bar fight. But with that many people flying around, there will be plenty of meat on the hoof to keep him busy. I'll take my chances with the numbers — bigger and badder than a full-grown live tiger does not exist.
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