OPINION

By Spencer Hall

updated 3:09 a.m. ET June 3, 2008

Only an idiot earns the Heisman on his wedding night, takes out the trash without asking and shaves every day. You might call this person "a fine husbanding all-star." I call him a moron who fails to understand the curse of high expectations and its crushing long-term implications.

Enter college football's most uxorious husband, Ohio State's Jim Tressel. Maybe, just maybe, one or two other coaches have gone so far as Tressel to please their fan base — USC's Pete Carroll comes to mind — in their quest to put food on the table, take out the trash, mow the yard and bring home the bacon.

Tressel is 75-16 at Ohio State. National championship in 2002. A dominance of the Big Ten unseen since Woody Hayes raged on the sideline. Program clicking along nicely on a massive pipeline of talent guaranteed by the ironclad lease Tressel has taken out on recruiting in Ohio. No significant dustups with the NCAA.

That's all exquisitely nice, Sir Sweatervest. Now, you have to beat USC on Sept. 6 if you want a shot at a third straight national title game. That's all.
Love, College football

Fair or not, losing two BCS title games in a row means that from a voter's perspective, an Ohio State team with a loss to USC on Saturday will not make the BCS title game if a one-loss Pac-10 or SEC team is waiting in the wings.

With the Big Ten slipping even further into rebuilding mode as Michigan goes into the Rodriguez Reformation, the in-conference slate won't compare in schedule strength to whomever emerges from the Big 12, Pac-10 or SEC. Only the Big East loses out in comparison, and for much the same reason as the Big Ten: The two bellwether programs, Louisville and West Virginia, are in coaching transitions of their own.

To live up to popular expectations, Ohio State has to, at the worst, lose narrowly at USC in a valiant effort or simply beat the Trojans. Given the perceived nougaty softness of the rest of the Buckeyes' schedule, it is the only realistic scenario for making the BCS title game. The chances of this happening are low, low, low given the numbers: USC is 39-3 at home under Carroll, with one of those losses coming from the moonshot Stanford game last year.

(If you bet on the Cardinal in that game, you're reading this from your new beachfront home on the coast of Thailand. You, 1; Life, 0.)

The odds get lower when you consider the recent coaching mismatches faced by Ohio State. Contrary to popular understanding, speed (or a lack thereof) did not completely sink the Buckeyes in 2006 or '07. Speed had nothing to do with the lazy zone defense the Buckeyes played for most of the title game against Florida in '06. It also had nothing to do with LSU coordinators Bo Pelini and Gary Crowton toying with the Buckeyes' schemes in the '07 finale.

Unless Ohio State shows up with something newish defensively — or at least varies what it does in the slightest — Carroll and Steve Sarkisian will put Ohio State in the Blend-Tec and have a delicious and nutritious smoothie by the middle of the third quarter, putting the Buckeyes on the fast track to the Rose Bowl, at best.

Please apply your emergency brakes and just look at that last sentence: "to the Rose Bowl, at best." Tressel, like the overachieving husband, set the bar ridiculously high early: Winning the national title game in a miraculous, tightrope walking 2002 season. Ditto for ex-Miami coach Larry Coker, who you might now see on ESPNU as a TV analyst. Ditto for Oklahoma's Bob Stoops, whose tenure as "Big Game Bob" ended the minute he went through the same drill Tressel has endured of losing two title games in a row.

The lesson for a coach is that, if you don't want the Rose Bowl to seem absurdly "disappointing," follow the lead of husbands everywhere and start succeeding by not being so consistently attentive.

Forget a birthday, so to speak.

You know, drop a game to Purdue every now and then. Cough up a cheapie to Illinois (again). Be a bit less perfect, but don't forget to beat Michigan and follow the example of the master of positive coaching tension, the ultimate expectation manager himself: Auburn's Tommy Tuberville.

Tuberville is a man with an undefeated season, a conference title, a six-game win streak over his in-state rival and a healthy habit of alternating his merely good years with excellent ones. Sure, you might risk getting fired every now and then, but when you make a ferocious comeback from mediocrity, everyone realizes just how valuable you really are, and they come running back to you.

It has worked like gangbusters for Tuberville, now the second-longest tenured coach in the coach-eating SEC. It could work wonders for Tressel, who could have announced his slack year by showing up for the Buckeyes' first game against Youngstown State in track pants, flip-flops and a wrinkled sweater vest with a filthy shirttail flapping beneath it.

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