John Walters

Have you seen video of that Little League post-game handshake sucker punch to the lip?  Foul play, sure, but stuff like that happens all the time--it just does not always get videotaped. Our favorite post-game maneuver is the handshake in which the assailant pulls the victim toward him and then knees him in the groin. Less forensic evidence and more viscerally satisfying.

On to the wacky week…

Miso Sorry
Veteran sumo wrestler Toyozakura, 34, apologized and took a 30 percent pay-cut after striking an 18-year-old apprentice with a cooking utensil. The "ladle-wielding assault", as it was described in the Associated Press story, caused a cut to the scalp that required 13 stitches to close.

Ironically, none of the ladies mentioned in this item would ever be caught dead shopping at Lane Bryant
By now you know the sordid details: Occasional ESPN.com contributor Laura Lane incurs the profane wrath of Kobe spouse Vanessa Bryant after what Mrs. Mamba believes is an unflattering description of her wardrobe. Lane then suggests, in a personal blog, that perhaps Mrs. Mamba is just upset over a rumored affair her hubby is having with a Laker Girl of the same name. Said Laker Girl is conspicuous as being the one in the squad photo whose name is no longer hyper-linkable (ironic, as allegedly she was messing with the star's hard-drive).     

From infield to Linfield
Maybe Hank Steinbrenner chose the wrong gritty, lower-half-of-the-lineup, World Series-winning Yankee to manage his father's baseball team this season. Former catcher Joe Girardi (championship rings in 1996, '98 and '99) has the Bombers in last place in the A.L. East, at 26-27, through one-third of the Major League season.

Girardi's ex-teammate, third baseman Scott Brosius (rings from 1998-2000, including a '98 World Series MVP award), in his first year as manager at Linfield College in Oregon, led his alma mater to the Division III national finals. The Bulldogs finished 45-13.

Speaking of the D-III Finals…
The Trinity College (Hartford, Conn., version) baseball squad has to be the great under-reported story of the spring. The Bantams won their first 44 games of the season, an NCAA record, and on Tuesday faced Johns Hopkins for the national championship. Due to the double-elimination format, Trinity only had to win once, while the Blue Jays would need two victories that day to secure the title.

With the score tied 3-3 in the top of the ninth of the first game, the Blue Jays scored the go-ahead run on a passed-ball strikeout. That ended Trinity's record win streak at 44 games. In the second game, the Bantams trailed 4-3 in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded. Sophomore Matt Sullivan drew a full-count walk to tie the score. Next up was senior Guy Gogliettino, in his first at-bat of the national tournament. Gugliettino also worked the count to 3-2, then fouled off seven pitches before watching the championship-sealing ball four.

Meanwhile, ESPN subjects us to 14 hours of softball each day this week. What the…?

MMA steals script of Balboa-Creed II  
If you had Tyler Bryan knocking out Shaun Parker eight seconds into their bout last Friday night in Indianapolis, you win. Unless you had Shaun Parker knocking out Tyler Bryan at the eight-second mark. Confused? Watch this. 

Blue Jays Marketing Dept. has no sense of humor
Sunday was Frank Thomas Bobblehead Day at the Rogers Centre (which we still refer to as Skydome in quieter moments) in Toronto. There was just one problem: the Blue Jays released the aging slugger on April 20. What's a franchise to do?

The Jays could have still distributed the bobbleheads, whose iconic, ironic status would have made them best-sellers on eBay. Instead, the Blue Jays gave away tote bags. Ooh, tote bags!

Thomas, meanwhile, has found a spot on the Oakland A's roster, and is hitting .306 with four home runs and 16 RBI in 26 games. Tote that, Toronto.         

Terms of Impalement
Surefire signs of spring: the smell of lilacs; referees screwing up a series involving the San Antonio Spurs; oh, and yes, an innocent bystander being impaled by a javelin at a track meet. The victim in this instance was Ryan McGeeney, a photographer for the Standard Examiner in Provo, Utah. McGeeney, who served seven years in the Marines, was working at the high school state track meet when he wandered into harm's way and was speared below the knee. Three details you need to know:

1) The javelin-tosser, Ryan Miles of Provo High, went on to win the 4-A state championship later that afternoon (using another javelin).

2) McGeeney served six months in Afghanistan without sustaining much more than a scratch.

3) McGreeney, who required just 13 stitches, had the presence of mind to snap a photo while still impaled.

My favorite Wikipedia entry, ever
Equestrian event enthusiasts were saddened this week at the death of the hand-pony Theodore "Teddy" O'Connor. A two-time Pan Am Games gold medalist in eventing, Teddy was euthanized after being spooked on a ride and sliding into the side of a barn.

All of that very sad.

Here, though, is the Wikipedia line that made me giggle: "Ridden by Olympian Karen O'Connor (no relation), he performed exceedingly well at such events…"

Well, there's Gil Meche, and then there's…um…
You don't care about the Kansas City Royals. Unless you're in a fantasy league or Joe Posnanski, or both, you likely cannot name their infield. Ross Gload at first? Nicely done.

Anyway, the Royals were feeling pretty good abut themselves at 21-22 less than two weeks ago (the Yankees, by comparison, lost 25 games before winning their 21st). But then they were no-hit by Jon Lester at Fenway Park on May 19. That was the first of 11 straight losses for the Royals, who only wish they could get the kind of coverage on ESPN that the Louisiana-Lafayette softball team does.

Where have you gone, Freddie Patek?

Freakness  
The Preakness Stakes, the second leg of the Triple Crown, is also home to some of the best hooliganism you'll find this side of stoppage time and yellow cards. Remember, this is the place where a bystander once vaulted onto the track during a race with the intention of going Mongo on a horse.

Two Saturdays ago the infield revelers at Pimlico invented a new sport: the running of the urinals. That first participant was euthanized on the scene. I think.

Yet another sport I'd rather watch than women's college softball
At the Cooper's Hill Cheese-Rolling contest in Gloucestershire, England, it's not whether you win or lose, it's whether your eventual hillside tumble resembles that of Robin Wright's and Cary Elwes' in "The Princess Bride". The annual race (actually, five races to accommodate the number of participants) was held last Monday and everyone survived. Here is a YouTube clip of last year's roll.

And now it's time for this week's completely-unrelated-to-sports bizarre story of the week that, as usual, comes from Florida
There's an "And don't forget to polish this, sweetheart" jokesomewhere in here, but I have too much of a sense of decorum to make it.

Ronaldo's girlfriend is so not welcome at Mariner games
Don't you love when two seemingly unrelated tawdry stories involving sports and Sapphic ardor occur within a day or two of each other? Me, too!

Last week Sirbrina Guerrero was attending a Seattle Mariners game and kissing her girlfriend when a security guard approached. The uniformed man ordered the pair to either cease their lesbian lovefest or let him in on the action (I kid).

Meanwhile, London tabloid The Sun published racy photos of soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo's girlfriend, Nereida Gallardo, getting cheeky and topless in a nightclub restroom with two other lassies. Gallardo, 24, was preparing, according to the paper, "to snog a tall blonde."

Trade of the week
The Calgary Vipers of the Golden Baseball League, sent pitcher John Odom to the Laredo Broncos of the United League, in exchange for 10 baseball bats. They are, specifically, "10 Prairie Sticks Maple Bats, double-dipped black, 34-inch, C243 style."

Worth noting: Because of a fight that he'd been involved in as a teenager, Odom was not cleared by authorities to work in Canada. Hence the Vipers found him expendable. The Kansas City Royals' offer of "our entire roster, straight up" for 10 bats was reportedly turned down by Laredo.

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