Haraz N. Ghanbari / AP

Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder David Beckham, right, won't be turning soccer in the U.S. into a big deal any time soon, Mike Ventre writes.

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL BURNS ANOTHER BRIDGE: The only problem here is that he pulls the same joke over and over again. He took shots at coach Brian Hill when he was with the Magic in the early ‘90s. He fired salvos at Phil Jackson after he left the Lakers. Now he’s going after Pat Riley in Miami. He just got to Phoenix, but give him time and he’ll rip Mike D’Antoni when the Suns dump him on somebody else. This April Fools' joke is getting almost as old as Shaq, and it’s about as funny as he is on the free-throw line at the end of a tight game. Well, maybe not that funny. Shaq angrily tossing verbal grenades at his former coach is the comedy equivalent of the late Henny Youngman opening with, “Take my wife. Please.” Well, maybe not that funny.

CHAD JOHNSON WANTS OUT: Guffaw, guffaw. Chad has been keeping the people in Cincinnati in stitches since he arrived in 2001. Ocho Cinco es muy funny. However, no one is really caught by surprise anymore by his outbursts in the media. It’s like telling the punchline before the joke. And the more outrageous he gets, the more he telegraphs the gag. The real joke here is that at one time he was thought to be on the same level with wideouts like Randy Moss and Terrell Owens, only without all the ugly baggage. And yet Moss and Owens are both coming off seasons in which they performed well and behaved themselves, whereas Ocho Cinco did nada while acting up mucho. Yuk yuk. Now that’s a riot.

ALL FOUR NO. 1 SEEDS REACH FINAL FOUR: What is the preeminent myth that exists among the American people in recent years? Answer: That Cinderella will attend the big dance. In truth, she rarely does. George Mason wore the slippers two years ago, so that helped to perpetuate the stereotype. Really, it’s college basketball’s version of corporate powers that usually prevails, teams like North Carolina, UCLA, Kansas and Memphis. The chalk is the norm. The wicked stepsisters usually get to the dance. The joke is on all the people who went the Cinderella route on their brackets. April Fools’! Cinderella is waiting tables at a truck stop in Des Moines.

DALLAS MAVERICKS ARE IN DANGER OF MISSING PLAYOFFS: That’s a hot one. Two years ago they were in the NBA Finals. Last season they earned the top seed in the West and were upset by the Warriors. This year they acquired Jason Kidd and now they might not even make the postseason. This is almost as funny as one of Mark Cuban’s unintentionally funny blogs. And this one has a double April Fools' surprise: Dirk Nowitzki might not be the reason the Mavs collapse. He is out with ankle and knee sprains, so he can’t be blamed. Wait a minute, this might actually come with a triple April Fools' surprise if Kidd declares he’s unhappy and wants to be traded again. Knowing him, we won’t have to wait until next year’s April Fools' Day for that prank.

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