Pat Summitt
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Kim Johnson Flodin / AP
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Obviously, she’s a woman. She’s been one of the most prominent women in the sports world for some time, since becoming head coach of the women’s basketball team at the University of Tennessee in 1974. She has since won seven NCAA championships, which should help her carry her home state, which is more than Al Gore was able to do in 2000. It appears Hillary Clinton is struggling in her bid to become the first female U.S. president. If she indeed fails, the nation will turn to a replacement. Summitt is admired by her peers and loved by her players. If she can get people interested in women’s basketball, she should be able to solve the mortgage crisis and achieve peace in Iraq. And when she addresses Congress, it might be a nice change if instead of standing at the podium she walked back and forth across the floor yelling, “C’mon! Let’s go! Hustle!”
Dale Earnhardt Jr.
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Chris Graythen / Getty Images
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It’s tough to win the presidency without winning a significant portion of the South. There is probably no better way to do that than to run a NASCAR driver. It’s difficult to say if that alone will do it, since the closest thing to a NASCAR driver Washington has seen was Patrick Kennedy. But NASCAR dads – white, middle-class, blue-collar beer guzzlers who enjoy yelling, “Yeeee-haaa!” when traffic goes by – think men who drive around and around an oval over and over again personify what this country is all about. Dale Jr. is the most popular driver on the circuit. All he has to do is talk about cam shafts and tire rubber and give credit to his pit crew and he’ll win everything south of the Mason-Dixon line. It might be jarring at first to see a U.S. president make public appearances with “Bud” emblazoned across his chest, but eventually everyone will get used to it. And needless to say, he’ll have the fastest bus in the campaign.
Theo Epstein
In most cases, voters like an experienced candidate. But experience can be overrated, too. Epstein became the youngest general manager in the history of Major League Baseball when the Red Sox appointed him to that position in 2002 at the age of 28. Two years later, the Red Sox won their first World Series championship in 86 years. If he can do that, he can handle just about any problem our nation faces. He has had to converse on a regular basis with personalities as diverse as Manny Ramirez and Curt Schilling, which means he can handle anything CNN or Fox throws at him. One minor issue: He turns 34 on December 29, so he wouldn’t be 35 and thus eligible for the presidency by November, 2008. His supporters can either wait, or have the Constitution amended. In the wake of the 2007 World Series title and the fact that none of his stars were implicated in the Mitchell report, anything is possible when it comes to Theo Epstein.
Derek Jeter
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Mark Blinch / Reuters
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One of the most likeable and dignified individuals in all of sports. His image is that of a winner and a team player. He can handle media pressure. And he can attract women. If every woman who has ever been spotted with Jeter at a nightclub votes, he’ll win, assuming they had a good time. He held on to his job at shortstop even after Alex Rodriguez came to the team, illustrating that he can stand his ground on key issues. Last week he came out and urged everyone to withhold judgment on Roger Clemens until all the facts are out; that kind of calm diplomacy in the face of mounting evidence of wrongdoing will come in handy in Washington. He endured a minor dustup recently when it was alleged he avoided paying taxes in New York, claiming he was a resident of Florida. But that may be a good thing, because now people in Florida know that is the state he likes to call home, and we all know how from 2000 how important it is to win Florida.
LaDainian Tomlinson
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Donald Miralle / Getty Images
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He would be the first president named LaDainian, because I checked. He’s a good guy with a fanatical work ethic who gives time and money to charity and is well-liked and highly respected across the NFL landscape. He would never have to avoid the question, “Are you running?” He isn’t afraid to call out rivals, as he did last season when the Patriots stomped on the Chargers’ logo after a playoff win. He would never have to sugarcoat his feelings for those on his side with whom he had a problem, as when he got up off the bench a couple weeks ago after Philip Rivers sat down near him. His black visor would endear him to the Secret Service. He grew up in Texas and plays in California, so that’s a total of 89 electoral votes right there. He could campaign using the Chargers’ lightning-bolt logo, a sign that he is concerned about finding new sources of energy.
Tiger Woods
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Tami Chappell / Reuters
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It should go without saying, but when you nominate someone to represent you in a competition, you want him to win. Who wins more competitions than this guy? It isn’t just that he’s better than everyone he comes up against, he also has a knack for intimidation just by showing up. From Colin Montgomerie to Rory Sabbatini, he has vanquished enough rivals who doubted his invincibility that Woods may find himself alone in the primary. He might even run uncontested in the general election. Clearly, he would be the best golfer of any U.S. president, although Ike and JFK weren’t bad. Of course, everybody who works in a Woods Administration would have to wear a Nike swoosh, but that’s politics. And if he did become president, he would have to cut down his Tour appearances to 14 or so a year, although he could still play Dubai and expense the trip to the State Department.[
Michael Ventre writes regularly for msnbc.com and is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles.
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