The Chicago Bears will give Rex Grossman a contract extension. But after he signs it, they’ll hand him a shovel and remind him to always read the fine print.

MSG chairman James Dolan will fire Isiah Thomas and offer the Knicks’ head coaching job to Anucha Browne Sanders, who will interpret the offer as another form of harassment.

The Baseball Hall of Fame will take Barry Bonds’ 756^th home run ball with an asterisk that was donated by fashion designer Marc Ecko and feed it to Jonathan Papelbon’s dog.

Major League Baseball will honor Curt Schilling’s contributions to the game by presenting him with a gold-plated soapbox.

Seismologists will detect unusual activity coming from an area around Fargo, N.D. After an extensive investigation, it will be determined that the tremors occurred after Roger Maris actually rolled over in his grave.

Bill Parcells will defend his tenure as vice president of football operations for the Miami Dolphins, insisting that he’s doing more than just fishing with Jimmy Johnson even though there’s almost no evidence to the contrary.

Tom Brady will be slapped with a class-action lawsuit by the rest of the male population for “general unfairness.”

Archeologists will discover an ancient scroll inside a cave near the Dead Sea and, after using carbon dating and handwriting analysis, determine it to be Joe Paterno’s birth certificate.

The Coliseum Commission and USC will remain at a stalemate in negotiations for use of the stadium over the school’s insistence on getting a better deal as renters than Reggie Bush’s parents got.

Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank will alter the description for the club’s “Employee of the Month” award from “the individual who distinguishes himself or herself through excellence and dedication” to “anyone who doesn’t subject us to national ridicule.”

Michael Vick will break out of prison, but will be tracked down by bloodhounds who happen to follow the news.

MORE FROM OTHER SPORTS

Other sports Section Front

Choosing poker over college pays off for Cada   Video: Haye says he's no Muhammad Ali, yet Assault charge dropped against wrestler Kurt Angle Horse of the Year Azeri brings $2.25 million R.I. girls’ high school soccer game ends in brawl Chestnut wins meatball-eating competition in Vegas   Slideshow: Top 20 fighters in the world Slideshow: Ugliest uniforms in sports World of Adventure Sports on NBC Championship Off-Road Racing on NBC Other sports Section Front   Add Other sports headlines to your news reader: