To Pacman Jones: A meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell at a location that is at least 100 miles from the nearest strip club.
To Jason Kidd: More sick days, since it appears he is in danger of using up his allotment.
To Rich Rodriguez: Better luck against Ohio State than Lloyd Carr had.
To the Boston Red Sox: Nothing. They already got their gift when George Mitchell became a fan.
To Terry Bowden: The West Virginia job, or at least an interview, or at least a “Thank you for your interest” form letter.
To Charlie Weis: The start of a new winning streak against Navy.
To the West Virginia athletic department: A lesson from former Nebraska A.D. Steve Pederson on how to improve your people skills.
To Chris Paul: A bigger stage.
To Rex Grossman: An outpouring of appreciation from Bears fans. If that’s not available, I’m sure he’d settle for a deep-dish pizza.
To Kevin Garnett: A championship ring. He deserves it.
To Brett Favre: A biography of Ponce de Leon and a DVD copy of “Cocoon.”
To Eli Manning: A new tight end.
To the Detroit Lions: Lessons in finishing a season strong from the Miami Dolphins.
To Lou Holtz: A coaching job. Actually, that would be a gift to ESPN viewers.
To Jose Canseco: Someone new to rat on.
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