Gifts for sports stars who already have it all
How about soap for Petrino to wash off the slime? Or a ring for Garnett?
 | Here's hoping new Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino gets LOTS of soap to wash off the slime, msnbc.com contributor Michael Ventre writes. |
John Amis / AP |
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But as much as I love the excitement of waiting in long lines, dodging ladies lugging several bags of gifts mule-style through store aisles, and being accosted by salespeople with those little carts hawking hand-painted jewelry or offering samples of skin cream, there is something to be said for Internet shopping as an alternative.
Many folks these days do most, if not all, of their Christmas shopping online. It’s convenient, it’s quick and it’s fun. In many cases, you can even get free shipping.
So as much as it pains me to skip the annual ritual of wading through the choppy seas of humanity to buy a few items that friends or family probably will return anyway, I have decided to sit home at my computer and go down my checklist electronically.
My first order of business is to take care of those in the world of sports. It’s not that my immediately family is less important. Rather, it’s a case of need. There are many in the sports world suffering, and they could use some holiday pick-me-ups. And no, I don’t mean a gift certificate to BALCO.
Here is a list of gifts directed toward many in the sports realm. I hope they don’t think less of me because I shopped for them online. But it’s so much less of a hassle, plus I doubt most of the stores at the malls would carry these items.
I have a feeling this Internet thing is here to stay:
To Roger Clemens: A day pass to the Pete Rose annual autograph party in Cooperstown and a free seminar at the Larry Craig School of Public Relations.
To Arthur Blank: A quarterback who loves dogs.
To George Mitchell: A job investigating cycling.
To Bud Selig: One squeaky clean baseball player to put on display.
To Barry Bonds: A job in 2008 that doesn’t require a drug test.
To Michigan A.D. Bill Martin: A ship-to-shore radio.
To Marion Jones: Some costume jewelry to replace her lost medals.
To Bobby Petrino: A year’s supply of Lava soap to wash the slime off.
To the Atlanta Falcons: One free coach’s office fumigation, extra strength.
To Isiah Thomas: The services of an international search committee to find him a job he can’t screw up.
To Bill Belichick: A cashmere hoodie.
To Peyton Manning: A younger clone of Marvin Harrison.
To Kobe Bryant: A T-shirt that says, “My agent went to Chicago and all he brought me back was this lousy T-shirt.”
To James Dolan: A wrecking ball.
To Reggie Bush: A “Michael Clayton” type.
To Alex Rodriguez: A stripper to give to Derek Jeter to divert attention from his stripper.
To Tony Romo: A non-celebrity girlfriend who doesn’t like football.
To Michael Vick: A cellmate who isn’t an animal lover.
To Nick Saban: Another disgraceful Bobby Petrino-like jump by a coach from an NFL team to the SEC, so maybe he’ll look a little better by comparison.
To Roger Federer: Somebody to challenge him. At anything.
To Rory Sabbatini: A Tiger Woods Fathead.
To Florida State: An Internet ballroom dancing course, so its football players can pass something.
To Tom Brady: Nothing. The guy has it all, plus he never gets me anything.
To Terrell Owens: A retro Keyshawn Johnson jersey.
To Fernando Vina: A masking agent so he can dodge the ESPN testing process.
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To Dick Vitale: A speedy recovery from throat surgery, even though it might mean he’ll talk as much as he used to.
To Andy Pettitte: A much better story.
To Donald Fehr: I’m tempted to give him an HGH test, except that his performance lately doesn’t seem to have been enhanced in any way.
To Scott Boras: A-Rod’s new phone number.
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