All you have to be able to do is speak the language. For instance, here is what Vick’s lead attorney, Billy Martin, said after his client was first arraigned on July 26: “We will look into these allegations and we look forward to the opportunity to being able to walk inside this courtroom saying to the world that Michael Vick is innocent.” What observers of the legal process interpreted that to mean: “We have no chance, so I’m going to toss out some defiant rhetoric and then hope I have time to cash this big check before I have to explain to Mike that he’s going to jail.”

Vick is just the case of the moment. It seems every other day some sports figure is embroiled in yet another legal entanglement.

Bonds is almost a law school course unto himself. He is not only being investigated for possible perjury before a grand jury in the BALCO case, but now he has hired two Bay Area attorneys to pursue anyone he thinks has made a false statement about him. Bonds has probably spent more time talking to lawyers in one week than Jeffrey Toobin spends in a year.

While sports fans argue the validity of Bonds’ crusade against his critics, more cases are piling up on their dockets. This week former major leaguer Jose Offerman was charged with two counts of second-degree assault for allegedly hitting an opposing team’s pitcher and catcher with a bat. Right away, if I’m defending him, I file a motion to dismiss, and I use his career as evidence that he couldn’t hit anything.

The Tim Donaghy case came and went as quickly as a bad wager. I knew it. The feds again. They don’t make dirty referee allegations unless they have something juicy on him. He wasn’t going to trial. Donaghy’s guilty plea was such a sure thing that even David Stern might have bet on it.

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Now a member of the Rutgers women’s basketball team is suing Don Imus because she claims his now-infamous comments damaged her reputation. Do you want to know how this turns out? Both sides will posture in a conference room, then a check will quietly be issued because it will be preferable to going through that public mess again.

You don’t have to have a law degree to stay afloat on this wave of jurisprudence in sports. All you need is a TV, a sofa, a remote, some tasty snacks, and some common sense. The athletes will provide the case load.