Michael Ventre

I am pro-idiot.

I believe that the idiot has an important place in our society. His role, as I see it, is to entertain the rest of us with his antics. Without idiots, the world would be a much duller place indeed.

Watching idiots has become a national obsession. It explains the reality show craze, as well as the popularity of C-SPAN.

I’m not referring to all idiots, of course. The ones who cut us off on the highway should be drawn and quartered. The ones who work as telemarketers, calling us late at night and interrupting our dinners, should be subjected to water boarding.

Actually, to be more specific, there are only a select few idiots out of the entire idiot populace that I really get a kick out of watching. The idiots in question are the ones who engage in celebrations after touchdowns or dunks.

These are the sports idiots. And they’re in danger of extinction.

Won’t you help?

Sports leagues, especially the NFL, have declared open season on the idiots. Players are not allowed to roll the ball like a pair of dice after a touchdown, or to perform a dance that is akin to a hot ember in a man’s pants, or to mimic a frying piece of bacon. Defensive players are forbidden from bumping chests and high-fiving simultaneously after a big hit, especially after the receiver just caught a pass for a first down.

The NFL truly is the No Fun League, because of its discrimination toward idiots.

I understand the basic anti-idiot policy handed down from the league office. The NFL equates any sort of celebration with taunting. Somewhere deep within its condescending attitude toward the idiots who wear its logo is an iota of concern for sportsmanship, or lack thereof. That’s admirable.

But most celebrations don’t qualify as taunting. In the vast majority of cases, a football player who operates in relative anonymity, covered in helmet, pads and uniform, rarely gets to showcase his own individuality. So when that blue moon appears, and a player has a chance to let go, it’s only natural that he would.

It just figures that he would gyrate, wiggle, hop, gesture, leap, shimmy and perform various other acts of glee.

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And face it, don't fans want to see these celebrations? You're telling me Chad Johnson is a marquee NFL name because of his game-breaking speed? No, it's because he talks smack and performs outlandish celebrations.

The NFL is entertainment, baby.

But it isn’t just sportsmanship that is the issue central to the league’s view of such celebrations. It also has to do with money.

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The NFL is a corporate entity, and as such is extremely conscious of its image. Just think back to the Janet Jackson nipple episode. The national disaster alert system went from orange to red. It was the second most talked-about nipple incident in modern American history, after the time Elaine on “Seinfeld” had her nipple showing on a Christmas card, and just above Tara Reid’s nipple slip on a red carpet.

Since then, the NFL has gone out of its way either to book squeaky-clean entertainment, or to line up someone like Prince but obtain his promise that he would sanitize his act so it would be indistinguishable from that of the Wiggles.

The corporate atmosphere is understandable, but the league forgets that the players are its bread and butter. To turn them into faceless drones is to waste a valuable resource. To prohibit them from acting goofy after a good play is to forget that they’re playing a game, and a game should be fun.

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I happen to think Terrell Owens is one of the bigger idiots out there on the sports landscape. I certainly am no T.O. fan. But my objections have more to do with his selfishness and his willingness to create chaos all around him, which eventually spreads through the entire organization and affects the performance of his team.

If he has an aspect to his game that is worth a chuckle, it’s the creativity he brings to celebrations. When he pulled the Sharpie out of his sock and signed the football, that was a clown at the top of his game. When he faked taking a nap in the end zone, it was sheer lunacy. Sure, he’s an idiot, but so are many of our finest entertainers.

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