Michael Ventre

There are some baseball players who are, quite simply, natural treasures, and it’s a sad day when they finally announce their retirements and step away from the game.

Then there are others who overstay their welcomes. This space is dedicated to them.

For a variety of reasons, certain players just stick around until they make just about everybody around them long for the days when Albert Belle entertained the masses with his effervescence. By their prolonged presences in the game, they make the hot dogs stale and the beer flat. They’d do everybody a favor by segueing into private life, say on a remote farm somewhere that visitors have to helicopter into.

The baseball season would be much more pleasurable if these gentlemen took a hint and scrammed:

Barry Bonds
Supposedly he’s hanging around long enough to surpass Hank Aaron’s record of 755 career home runs. But does anyone really think he’ll hang it up after that? If you’ve ever thrown a party and then had one guest who not only shows up and won’t leave, but he complains about the bean dip, the punch and the music while also talking about himself ad nauseum, that’s Barry. He always sounds miserable and sick of being harassed by fans and reporters, yet he thrives on it. He’ll never retire, even though he needs to desperately. The only way he’ll leave baseball is if the Feds comply with his “Let them investigate me” dare and send him to a place where the fences are much higher and much tougher to clear than he’s currently used to.

Roger Clemens

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There are a lot of people who enjoy the courtship a lot more than the relationship. Clemens says he is “80-20” against returning to baseball. Let me know when it’s “100-0” and then pull the plug on his microphone. The Rocket likes to be desired by teams like the Yankees, Red Sox, Astros and Rangers. Maybe it’s just the mentality of a pitcher, but he likes to keep everybody off-balance and guessing, even when it comes to his future. But to me it feels more like Roger is throwing at my head. He won’t go away quietly. Instead, he has to keep his name in the rumor mill. Twenty years from now Roger will be 64, his “Rocket” will be devoid of propulsion, and yet he’ll still be issuing statements about how he’s leaning against returning to baseball. The sad part is, teams like the Yankees, Red Sox, Astros and Rangers will probably still be begging him to pitch.

Sammy Sosa

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He’s 38 and has played 17 seasons. Remember when he and Mark McGwire competed to break Roger Maris’ home-run record? It seems like another lifetime, even though it was only 1998. Sammy quit the game two years ago, primarily because he couldn’t hit anymore. But now he says he’s in great shape and prepared for a comeback with the Texas Rangers. Sammy will be remembered for many things, most notably the Congressional hearing in which he suddenly couldn’t remember how to speak English. Sammy is also a pipsqueak now compared to when he was a brawny home-run machine. I could understand a comeback if Major League Baseball suddenly approved both steroids and corked bats. But to my knowledge, it hasn’t. Therefore, a comeback makes about as much sense as Britney Spears’ new haircut.

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