Michael Ventre

When the Super Bowl requires a two-week break after the NFC and AFC championship games, fans can go one of two ways:

They can either chill for a week in order to prepare for a second week of intense and immense hype, or they can agonize over the course of the entire fortnight about why time is moving so slowly and keeping their beloved ultimate game in the distance.

This is for the latter group.

Naturally, for those who have already broken out the brewskis and the hot wings and are also devouring every tidbit of information they can find in the media about the humongous showdown between the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts, there is an insatiable yearning to find out what’s going to happen with both the game and the festivities surrounding it.

For those maniacs, here are 41 things to expect concerning Super Bowl XLI:

1. Inspired by the success of Bears coach Lovie Smith, two coaches attending Super Bowl week will announce they’ve changed their names to Schmoopie Coughlin and Buttercup Del Rio.

2. When asked who he likes in the game, Nick Saban will say, “I don’t know how many times I have to say this: The Bears will win the Super Bowl.” Almost immediately a tidal wave of money is bet on the Colts.

3. CBS is televising the Super Bowl. Millions of casual sports fans will tune in late because they mistakenly turned on Fox, saw a promo for “Prison Break” and assumed the Bengals were playing.

4. To expedite security, officials at Miami International Airport will set up two lines for NFL players: One for water bottles with secret compartments, and one without.

5. Winners of the Punt, Pass and Kick competition will be honored. Then after the ceremony, they will begin their new jobs on the Raiders’ coaching staff.

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6. Prince will perform at halftime. He will sing, “1999,” which is a tribute both to the last time the Super Bowl was played in Miami, and the number of commercials in this year’s telecast.

7. State and federal law enforcement officers will set up checkpoints, install hidden censors, position snipers atop nearby buildings, arrange a fleet of armor-plated vehicles and place rows of concrete barricades. And that’s just for when Tank Johnson attends Media Day.

8. The Colts claim that Peyton Manning’s injured thumb is fine. But reporters will become suspicious that team officials are more worried than they’re letting on when the thumb is assigned its own bodyguards.

9. Eager to prove to skeptical fans that he has what it takes to lead the Bears to a championship, Rex Grossman will ask Jim McMahon to teach him how to moon a TV helicopter.

10. Reports are rampant that Donovan McNabb is unhappy with his seat for the game. Eagles coach Andy Reid will deny it.

11. The Dallas Cowboys will use the stage of Super Bowl week to announce they’ve hired a coach to replace Bill Parcells and describe him as someone experienced with difficult rebuilding projects. It turns out to be the guy who performed Jerry Jones’ facelift.

12. The Raiders will allow their new head coach, Lane Kiffin, to attend Super Bowl festivities, but only if he promises to brush his teeth and clean his room.

13. Peyton Manning finally will reveal that he didn’t hurt his thumb on the helmet of a teammate as first believed, but rather while horsing around with brother Eli during a tour of ESPN headquarters.

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14. Reggie Bush will consider attending Super Bowl week, but will eventually decide not to. Pundits will attribute his absence to being afraid of a confrontation with Brian Urlacher. But insiders will reveal that Bush simply couldn’t find a house in the Miami area that was palatial enough to accommodate his parents.

15. The Colts will request a copy of Dennis Green’s now infamous post-game tirade about the Bears in which he says, “They are who we thought they were!” The Colts won’t do this in hopes of gaining a strategic advantage, but rather because it’s pretty funny.

16. Bill Parcells will show up in Miami because of its proximity to Cuba. He knows Fidal Castro is in bad shape and he heard there might be an opening for a dictator.

17. Noted law enforcement buff Shaquille O’Neal will meet Tank Johnson at a nightclub. After an awkward silence, Shaq will say, “So … have you ever seen ‘The Fugitive’?”

18. Ricky Williams will be arrested at the airport trying to smuggle Michael Vick through customs.

19. If the Colts win, center Jeff Saturday will change his name to Jeff “Super Bowl” Sunday.