Michael Ventre

As the saying goes, “There are no atheists in foxholes.” This, of course, is a reference to those who don’t believe in a higher power, a spiritual being; often at times of crisis, in life and death moments, such individuals quickly become converts.

Granted, the beliefs of others are none of my business. But at a time like this, it’s important to reach out to everyone. Whether it’s a holy and divine being, or the fates, or karma, or a spirit that binds all of mankind in the pursuit of one unifying purpose, it’s vital that all human beings come together with strength and unwavering faith — including the skeptics and pagans — to rid our existence of a relentless and horrible menace.

Please, please, don’t let the Patriots get to another Super Bowl.

On the surface, it may not seem that important. But it is. If the New England Patriots defeat the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC championship game on Sunday, it will unleash a wave of boredom and annoyance that could reach biblical proportions. Men and women alike will gaze at their TV screens and groan, “Not again!” Youngsters will liken it to getting liverwurst sandwiches every day for lunch. Scholars will observe that Bill Belichick maintained an iron grip on power, the longevity of which is rivaled only by that of Fidel Castro.

The Patriots reached this point by beating the Chargers in San Diego last week. After that game, San Diego’s LaDainian Tomlinson complained about how the Patriots disrespected the Chargers with their taunt-filled celebration on the field.

But that isn’t the problem here. Even though they may have swaggered and strutted after that hotly contested playoff game, the Patriots aren’t known as obnoxious woofers. For the most part, they’re classy and reserved.

No, it’s more about their entertainment value, or lack thereof. They’re efficient, like an assembly line. They’re reliable, like the Volvo the neighbors have had for 15 years. They’re predictable, like yams on Thanksgiving.

Does society really need to see more camera shots of Belichick on the sidelines in an old sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off? The Super Bowl reaches approximately 1 billion people in over 230 countries and territories. What we’re saying to the world, in essence, is that this is one of the most successful men in the U.S. at his profession, and if you work hard enough, you too can someday dress like him. I imagine that might slow human initiative around the globe.

Sunday, 4:15 p.m. ET, CBS Position-by-position: Who has the edge? How Colts can win  |  How Pats can win Celizic: Game will live up to huge hype Novacek's Picks  |  Madden's  |  Yours? Brady, Manning are top marketers' dreams Opinion: Role reversal — pressure's on Pats Feature: Manning vs. Brady  |    Video debate iPredict: Brady to break Manning’s TD mark NBC Sports: Pats' plan is simple, and amazing Rank the NFL’s all-time dominant teams

And don’t forget that if the Patriots actually win the Super Bowl, then Belichick will be asked to say a few words. This will extend an already interminable telecast because everyone will have to wait  around for the voice analysis experts to determine what he said. Belichick’s unique combination of mumbles, grunts and intermittent clichés also threaten to put an entire planet to sleep, although they do succeed in exciting some researchers in the field of primate communication.