Michael Ventre

A barometer is an instrument that measures atmospheric pressure. By using a barometer, meteorologists can predict, say, the coming of wind or frost or clear skies or an approaching storm. Used in conjunction with a thermometer, it’s an essential instrument in preparing citizens for the physical and mental effects of any inclement conditions that may be in the offing.

But the importance of monitoring atmospheric pressure isn’t limited to science. A situation has developed over Dallas that has required the use of a barometer to gauge the impact of another natural phenomenon that, left unchecked, could leave the area devastated.

It is known in scientific circles as “The T.O. Anomaly.” T.O. stands for Terrell Owens, but in the parlance of disaster-prevention specialists it also stands for “Thermonuclear Occurrence” to describe the cataclysmic event itself and “Ticked Off” to describe its many victims.

The need for a barometer quickly became apparent this week, when T.O. decided his hamstring was sore and therefore he would refrain from practicing with the rest of his Cowboys teammates and instead would slowly pedal a stationary bike.

That in itself would not necessarily indicate that a tempest is on the horizon. Yet T.O. caused a startling increase in atmospheric pressure around the team by summoning two of his own personal physicians and a trainer to camp, along with a hyperbaric chamber.

Readings taken around Cowboys coach Bill Parcells also detected a spike in atmospheric pressure when T.O. told reporters he was unlikely to play in the team’s first exhibition game in Seattle. Ominous rumblings were heard in the distance. Nearby residents braced for a storm, although many of the savvier ones had already rehearsed emergency preparations when the T.O. high pressure system initially began moving toward Dallas from Philadelphia.

Of course, there are always those who are skeptical of modern science and instead rely on their faith to give them strength and carry them through when natural catastrophes strike. But in the case of T.O., that may not be enough. The streets of San Francisco and Philadelphia are rife with lost souls whose entire belief systems were shattered by a calamity of almost biblical proportions when T.O. hit town. And the folks in Dallas have quickly come to realize that, despite their prayers, they’re next.

Using an admittedly rudimentary barometer (T.O. warnings are so obvious that sophisticated instrumentation is not required), it’s worth taking a look at the upcoming schedule to forecast the impact that T.O. will have on Dallas and surrounding areas (including road cities):

SATURDAY, AUG. 26: A home exhibition against San Francisco and the third straight missed game by T.O. Everyone assumes T.O. would want to play in order to exact revenge against his old team. Everyone is wrong. Instead, T.O. spends the time signing autographs and doing TV interviews. A loud crack rips across the evening sky. It isn’t lightning. It’s an animated cell phone conversation between Jerry Jones and Drew Rosenhaus.

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THURSDAY, AUG. 31: After a short week, another home exhibition, this time against Minnesota. Before it, T.O. announces he will rest his hamstring and wait until the regular-season opener to play. Parcells orders the windows of the team’s training facility boarded up.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 10: The season opener, at Jacksonville. T.O. has a remarkable day, with lots of receptions and a couple of touchdowns. He goes through the entire game and the postgame interviews on his best behavior and without incident. Parcells wonders, “If only every day could be this beautiful.”

SUNDAY, SEPT. 17: The home opener against the Washington Redskins. The sky is clear, save for another deluge of footballs from Drew Bledsoe to T.O., resulting in yardage and touchdowns. Dallas fans observe that Mother Nature is indeed benevolent.

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SUNDAY, OCT. 1: After a bye week, the Cowboys travel to Tennessee. But something is amiss, although it is unclear exactly what. The less illuminated among the Dallas faithful conclude that the Gods of T.O. must be angry, and they sacrifice a pig, with barbecue sauce.

SUNDAY, OCT. 8: The reason for the storm system that has moved in around the Cowboys is now clear: They’re playing the Eagles in Philly. T.O. unleashes dark clouds, thunder, lightning, rain, wind, sleet, hail and locusts, then tops it off with a twister. And that’s just in the conference call to Philadelphia reporters during the week before the game. After it, the Cowboys huddle together and seek shelter.

SUNDAY, OCT. 15: A home game against the Houston Texans. Because of the inferior nature of the opponent, T.O. decides his hamstring is sore again. The National Weather Service is alerted.