Gary Peterson

Bud Selig has spoken. Baseball will investigate the use of performance-enhancing substances at the major league level.

The George Mitchell Needles & Haystacks Tour will commence forthwith.

And good luck with that.

Peter Graves, as Jim Phelps, never turned down an assignment on the old "Mission: Impossible" TV series, even though he was given that option every week by the voice on the tape recorder. What Selig is asking of Mitchell, the former U.S. Senate majority leader from Maine, is unfathomable. That Mitchell would agree to head this investigation must speak to his passion for lost causes. Maybe he had Mets season tickets in 1962.

Selig's motivation is pretty clear from here, but let's play this thing straight up for the moment. He's heeding the call for an investigation on the heels of two books, released this spring, that provide motivation for and substantiation of Barry Bonds' use of steroids and human growth hormone. Selig is interested in learning the full range of hard truths regarding Bonds — assuming they're not all accounted for at this point — and other performance-enhancing enthusiasts.

He wants Mitchell to oversee an independent effort. He wants names. He wants dates. He wants details. This must speak to his innocent belief in miracles. Maybe he had Mets season tickets in 1969.

Except that no matter what parameters he hands Mitchell and his merry men, it's an undoable deed. This isn't John Dowd charged with the finely focused investigation of one man (Pete Rose) over an abbreviated time frame. Steroid use in baseball predates 1990. And yet investigating it that far back would be a waste of time.

MLB STEROID INVESTIGATION      Ventre: Elite players should speak out MLB launches probe of Bonds, others Celizic: Culture of cheating hurting baseball Commentary: Selig simply trying to save face Ventre: Hey, Barry, try saying you’re sorry Commentary: Stain of era will tar Bonds In Mitchell, MLB gets global troubleshooter Giambi: No regrets | Torre: Ask everyone Conte says new book ‘full of outright lies’ Risk of steroids |   Discuss | Vote: Probe OK? The 700 Club | Full section on Bonds

For one thing, the only super-user back then probably was Jose Canseco, and he's already copped to that in the book he wrote last year. For another, steroids were not declared illegal in this country until President Bush (ver. 1.0) signed the Anabolic Steroids Control Act in November 1990.

How about a complete accounting of the use of performance-enhancing substances between 1990-2002, when home runs became epidemic, when baseball players turned into football players, and when decades-old records came under assault? That would be another fool's errand.

Baseball, you see, didn't ban steroids until after the 2002 season. Oh, former Commissioner Fay Vincent distributed a memorandum in 1991 warning players against steroid use. But Vincent was a short-timer then; no one was listening to him. His memorandum was taken as seriously as the ones that caution players against fraternizing with opponents and wearing their hats backward.

Special report Comparing Bonds with Ruth, Aaron

If the details don't get you here, the scope does. The steroid underground extends forever in all directions. Many who once used still have something to lose — their careers as players, their careers as coaches or scouts, their reputations, their chances of getting in the Hall of Fame. They won't be as forthcoming as Canseco. Mitchell could investigate the 1990s from now until the 2090s and not cover the subject.

As for the period from 2002 to the present, baseball has had a policy and testing procedure in place. So any funny business Mitchell unearths from that time frame only illustrates what a hapless program baseball has in place. It's difficult to believe Selig wants that.

Slide show   Giant among men A look back at some key moments in the amazing career of Barry Bonds

Moreover, what do you do with that information — incomplete and bogus as it might be — once you get it? Do you red-line every player who once used? Take white-out to his numbers? Do you alter the timeline? Do you rewrite history?

Guess what, everybody — based on our review, the Pittsburgh Pirates win the 1999 World Series!

Then again, none of the above is the point here. The point here is that Selig is being roasted over an open flame by the national media and — cold, hard cash alert! — speed-dialed by concerned MLB sponsors because Bonds, the most arrogant and accomplished juicer ever, is bearing down on Babe Ruth and Henry Aaron. Nobody wants to see those standards surpassed — not now, knowing what we know.

Thing is, any comprehensive investigation — incomplete and bogus as it might be — will take time. More than enough time for Bonds to overtake Ruth. Most likely more than enough time for Bonds to either overtake Aaron, or discover he isn't physically up to the challenge.

Slide show The Week in Sports Pictures more photos

So what we're left with is a sham of a face-saving gesture, aimed at a guy who was, is and apparently always will be five steps ahead of the posse.

So best of luck, Sen. Mitchell. As usual, should you or any of your force be captured or killed, the commissioner will disavow all knowledge of your actions. From what we can tell, denial is what he does best.