Bob Cook

If the Miami Dolphins expect greatness from new acquisition Daunte Culpepper, they had better sign Randy Moss to play with him again. Otherwise, Culpepper is Garfunkel without Simon, Oates without Hall, Justin without Kelly, Chong without Cheech, Andrew Ridgeley without George Michael ...

Even the Dolphins initially viewed Culpepper as the quarterbacking equivalent of Peter Scolari to Drew Brees’ Tom Hanks. They caved into Minnesota’s demand for one whole shiny-new second-round pick in return for Culpepper only after the former Charger turned them down to accept a $60-million deal from the New Orleans Saints. Actually, maybe Culpepper was the Wendy Sperber, or whoever else was on Hanks’ “Bosom Buddies” TV show in the early 80s, what with Miami waiting out Steve McNair (who re-signed with the Titans) and Patrick Ramsey (who appears likely to go from Washington to the Jets) and even talking to top-pick flameout Tim Couch before taking on Culpepper.

That we’re talking about Culpepper’s career in the near-past tense, and talking about the Dolphins making a risky move by giving up merely a second-round pick to get him, is a stunning reversal for a player who only two seasons ago was seriously considered for MVP. But that’s what happens when one year you post MVP-level numbers, and the next post numbers like Couch -- as well as suffer a severe knee injury and get slapped with a misdemeanor charge over the most infamous Love Boat that didn’t feature Gavin McLeod.

Certainly, Moss didn’t hurt Culpepper’s knee, nor did he encourage him to accept Fred Smoot’s invitation to allegedly purify himself in Lake Minnetonka. But never has it been so obvious that one player’s absence has played such a heavy role in the decline of another.

In 2004, Culpepper posted MVP-type numbers, setting career highs in all the good categories and career lows in the bad ones. True, Moss missed three games that year with a hamstring injury. But Moss’ deep-threat ability, which drew extra defenders toward him and also cleared out underneath routes for his fellow receivers, was so respected, the Vikings played him two other games he should have sat out just so he could serve as a decoy.

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But Moss had well-documented attitude issues, so the Vikings decided he had to go. (Little did the Vikings know that having a wide receiver with attitude issues would pretty much become the standard in the NFL.) The operation to remove Moss-as-cancer was not a success. In 2005, Culpepper had a career-low quarterback rating (72.0, down more 30 points from 2004), watch his per-throw average drop by more than a year (to 7.24 from 8.61), and threw more interceptions (12) than touchdowns (6) in a season that ended in game seven because of a right knee injury. In the ultimate indignity, the quarterback once believed to be Minnesota’s eventual leader to the Super Bowl could lead his team to only a 2-5 record as a starter, while without him the Vikings nearly rallied to make the playoffs.

Given that Moss’ departure from Oakland, where Minnesota traded him after the 2004 season, is unlikely, Miami is going to have to hope that a receiver such as Chris Chambers provides the spark to revive Culpepper’s flagging career, becoming the Hammerstein seamlessly replacing Moss’ Hart for Culpepper’s Rodgers.