Michael Ventre

It’s that time of year again, when the Academy trots out the little gold statuette called Oscar and makes a big to-do about honoring artists and performers in Hollywood.

But we like to do the same in sports, because we feel there’s enough drama in our domain to rival anything they can produce on a studio sound stage.

So without further ado, here are the nominees in each category:

BEST ACTOR

• Barry Bonds, for continuing to act like he doesn’t care about media attention while at the same time placing himself in the public eye more often than Paris Hilton.
• Peyton Manning, because it’s not easy playing a man with two personalities, one for the regular season and one for the playoffs.
• Shaquille O’Neal, for his convincing portrayal of a man who forgives his enemy.
• Bode Miller, because he really had us going there for a while, believing he was a champion.
• Isiah Thomas, because if you can make people think you’re not incompetent in New York City, you can make people think you’re not incompetent anywhere.

AND THE WINNER IS … Bode Miller. A staggering performance. I’m not talking about his work on the slopes. I’m talking about his appearances at the Olympic after-parties.

BEST ACTRESS

• Lindsey Jacobellis, because when she pulled her ill-advised snowboarding stunt that caused her to fall and lose the gold, she straddled that fine line between comedy and tragedy.
• Michelle Wie, for her startling “Boys Don’t Cry” act in men’s tournaments.
• Michelle Kwan, for her turn in a scheduled two-hankie weepie that only turned out to last for one.
• Sam Ryan, because she looks fabulous.
• Kendra Davis, because whenever the wife of Antonio Davis attends one of her husband’s NBA games, it reminds us that it’s time for a “Million Dollar Baby” sequel.

AND THE WINNER IS … Kendra Davis. She’s the Hannibal Lecter of sports wives.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

• Lamar Odom, for continually fooling us into believing he’s the second coming of Scottie Pippen.
• Carlos Beltran, for hitting .266 with 16 home runs and 78 RBI for the Mets last year, truly supporting role numbers.
• Ricky Williams, who backed up Ronnie Brown while channeling Bob Marley.
• Drew Rosenhaus, who aided star Terrell Owens in becoming the NFL’s version of the Titanic.
• Steve Francis, because he’s so good at convincing us he’s leading-man material, and that’s probably because he believes it himself.

AND THE WINNER IS … Drew Rosenhaus. Not since Ratso Rizzo in “Midnight Cowboy” has there been a more worthless sidekick.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

• Anna Benson, for standing by her hubby, pitcher Kris Benson, by threatening to sleep with all his teammates if he ever cheats on her.
• Kim Ng, because the Dodgers’ assistant general manager is always the bridesmaid when GM openings come up, but is never the groom.
• Sasha Cohen, for stepping up after gold medal hopeful Michelle Kwan withdrew from the Olympics and solidifying her place as a world-class second banana by winning the silver medal.
• Emily Hughes, for playing Lou Gehrig to Kwan’s Wally Pipp. A much less successful Lou Gehrig.
• Mia Hamm, for remaining stoic during the “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”-like road trip that is husband Nomar Garciaparra’s career.

AND THE WINNER IS … Anna Benson. Threats of revenge adultery always make for boffo box office.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

• “Das Booty,” about the Minnesota Vikings’ sex boat trip and their raft of excuses afterward.
• “Liar, Liar,” about Rafael Palmeiro’s testimony before Congress.
• “Sphere,” about Barry Bonds’ head.
• “Independence Day,” when the Eagles said goodbye to Terrell Owens.
• “Clueless,” about the Nike executives who approved millions to promote Bode Miller.

AND THE WINNER IS … “Das Booty.” Because it is very, very animated.

BEST DIRECTOR

• Larry Brown, for giving us hours and hours of laughter with his Keystone Knicks.
• Mack Brown, for winning a national title with a quarterback who scored a 16 on the Wonderlic.
• Bill Cowher, for keeping his chin up when his Steelers were down.
• Pete Carroll, for insisting that 34 was not enough, even though it would have to be.
• Roy Williams, until last spring the Susan Lucci of college basketball.

AND THE WINNER IS … Mack Brown. He was in-Vince-ible, as well as every other play on words with the name Vince in it.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

• The Los Angeles Lakers, for their desolate landscape with nothing visible on the horizon.
• Maria Sharapova, for offering glimpses of a heavenly body.
• Barry Bonds’ head, for exceptional use of a wide-angle lens.
• The New York Yankees, for unforgettable images of an active volcano.
• The officials at the XL Super Bowl, for showing us moments on the screen we couldn’t quite believe.

AND THE WINNER IS … Maria Sharapova. Her close-ups were better.

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