Without further ado, here are the nominees
Sports world full of actors, actresses worthy of taking home Oscar
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But we like to do the same in sports, because we feel there’s enough drama in our domain to rival anything they can produce on a studio sound stage.
So without further ado, here are the nominees in each category:
BEST ACTOR
- Barry Bonds, for continuing to act like he doesn’t care about media attention while at the same time placing himself in the public eye more often than Paris Hilton.
- Peyton Manning, because it’s not easy playing a man with two personalities, one for the regular season and one for the playoffs.
- Shaquille O’Neal, for his convincing portrayal of a man who forgives his enemy.
- Bode Miller, because he really had us going there for a while, believing he was a champion.
- Isiah Thomas, because if you can make people think you’re not incompetent in New York City, you can make people think you’re not incompetent anywhere.
AND THE WINNER IS … Bode Miller. A staggering performance. I’m not talking about his work on the slopes. I’m talking about his appearances at the Olympic after-parties.
BEST ACTRESS
- Lindsey Jacobellis, because when she pulled her ill-advised snowboarding stunt that caused her to fall and lose the gold, she straddled that fine line between comedy and tragedy.
- Michelle Wie, for her startling “Boys Don’t Cry” act in men’s tournaments.
- Michelle Kwan, for her turn in a scheduled two-hankie weepie that only turned out to last for one.
- Sam Ryan, because she looks fabulous.
- Kendra Davis, because whenever the wife of Antonio Davis attends one of her husband’s NBA games, it reminds us that it’s time for a “Million Dollar Baby” sequel.
AND THE WINNER IS … Kendra Davis. She’s the Hannibal Lecter of sports wives.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
- Lamar Odom, for continually fooling us into believing he’s the second coming of Scottie Pippen.
- Carlos Beltran, for hitting .266 with 16 home runs and 78 RBI for the Mets last year, truly supporting role numbers.
- Ricky Williams, who backed up Ronnie Brown while channeling Bob Marley.
- Drew Rosenhaus, who aided star Terrell Owens in becoming the NFL’s version of the Titanic.
- Steve Francis, because he’s so good at convincing us he’s leading-man material, and that’s probably because he believes it himself.
AND THE WINNER IS … Drew Rosenhaus. Not since Ratso Rizzo in “Midnight Cowboy” has there been a more worthless sidekick.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
- Anna Benson, for standing by her hubby, pitcher Kris Benson, by threatening to sleep with all his teammates if he ever cheats on her.
- Kim Ng, because the Dodgers’ assistant general manager is always the bridesmaid when GM openings come up, but is never the groom.
- Sasha Cohen, for stepping up after gold medal hopeful Michelle Kwan withdrew from the Olympics and solidifying her place as a world-class second banana by winning the silver medal.
- Emily Hughes, for playing Lou Gehrig to Kwan’s Wally Pipp. A much less successful Lou Gehrig.
- Mia Hamm, for remaining stoic during the “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”-like road trip that is husband Nomar Garciaparra’s career.
AND THE WINNER IS … Anna Benson. Threats of revenge adultery always make for boffo box office.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
- “Das Booty,” about the Minnesota Vikings’ sex boat trip and their raft of excuses afterward.
- “Liar, Liar,” about Rafael Palmeiro’s testimony before Congress.
- “Sphere,” about Barry Bonds’ head.
- “Independence Day,” when the Eagles said goodbye to Terrell Owens.
- “Clueless,” about the Nike executives who approved millions to promote Bode Miller.
AND THE WINNER IS … “Das Booty.” Because it is very, very animated.
BEST DIRECTOR
- Larry Brown, for giving us hours and hours of laughter with his Keystone Knicks.
- Mack Brown, for winning a national title with a quarterback who scored a 16 on the Wonderlic.
- Bill Cowher, for keeping his chin up when his Steelers were down.
- Pete Carroll, for insisting that 34 was not enough, even though it would have to be.
- Roy Williams, until last spring the Susan Lucci of college basketball.
AND THE WINNER IS … Mack Brown. He was in-Vince-ible, as well as every other play on words with the name Vince in it.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
- The Los Angeles Lakers, for their desolate landscape with nothing visible on the horizon.
- Maria Sharapova, for offering glimpses of a heavenly body.
- Barry Bonds’ head, for exceptional use of a wide-angle lens.
- The New York Yankees, for unforgettable images of an active volcano.
- The officials at the XL Super Bowl, for showing us moments on the screen we couldn’t quite believe.
AND THE WINNER IS … Maria Sharapova. Her close-ups were better.
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