Michael Ventre

It will be a week before Super Bowl XL is played. The wait already has seemed interminable, the hype intolerable.

The Seattle Seahawks against the Pittsburgh Steelers for the world championship of professional football. It’s eating at you, isn’t it? You want to know what the future holds.

Well, the outcome will be hotly debated by millions of others, so I’ll skip that. Here is a look at some other developments related to the big game that arguably are just as important.

Arguably.

Forty things to expect from Super Bowl XL:

1. The national media will descend upon Detroit, including correspondents from MTV, the Food Network, Comedy Central, Animal Planet and the Home Shopping Network who have no experience whatsoever covering sports, and the name “Roethlisberger” will be mispronounced and mangled until it sounds like “Bradshaw.”

2. Troy Polamalu’s hair will cause confusion among security guards, and as a result he will be handed a bass guitar and ushered to the Rolling Stones’ dressing room.

3. Bill Cowher’s jaw will be issued its own sideline pass.

4. ABC will show shots of Jerome Bettis’ parents in the stands 437 times, breaking its own record of showing loved ones in the seats set on January 2, 2006 at the Fiesta Bowl when Laura Quinn, sister of Notre Dame’s Brady and girlfriend to Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk, was shown 435 times. Of course, Bettis’ parents will appear happier than Laura Quinn because Jerome won’t be hit nearly as many times as Brady was.

5. Broncos QB Jake Plummer will show up at the Super Bowl, much like many present and former players, to do promotional work for a product he endorses, and several fans will press coins into his hand and urge him to get a hot meal.

6. City workers in Detroit will work overtime to sweep the streets of a mysterious material, which will later be determined by forensic investigators to be the shreds of the Broncos’ defense that had blown in from Denver.

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7. Super Bowl XL will be John Madden’s swan song at ABC. To mark the occasion, he’ll eat a swan instead of a turducken.

8. The Rolling Stones will perform at halftime. They’ll do one of their old hits, “Bitch,” but they’ll change it to “Witch” to satisfy the FCC.

9. Diet Pepsi machine will be arrested for soliciting a prostitute.

10. Peyton Manning will travel around the city of Detroit cheering for ordinary people at their workplaces — though sadly it will have nothing to do with filming a commercial.

11. A bus will try to sneak into the Super Bowl dressed up as Jerome Bettis.

12. Security will be tighter than ever. For instance, to ensure that no fans run onto the field, Mike Shanahan’s buck teeth will be used as barricades.

13. NFL officials will schedule the customary Air Force flyover to coincide with the national anthem, forgetting that Ford Field is a domed stadium.

14. Many new and innovative commercials will debut, including another “Ted Ferguson, Bud Light Daredevil” spot in which our hero attempts to sit through an entire Capital One “What’s in your wallet?” commercial without convulsing.

15. Before the game, Stevie Wonder will perform, and then Aretha Franklin will sing the national anthem. In keeping with the hometown theme, the NFL will lay off 200 employees.

16. Archeologists will unearth the frozen remains of a sportswriter who strayed too far from his hotel the last time the Super Bowl was in Detroit.

17. Sociologists will report a spike in the number of men who hear the name “Lofa” during the Super Bowl and the number of wives who request a loofah.

18. The players from both teams will be offered tickets to a Pistons home game. Many players will agree to go, as long as they’re allowed to wear their equipment.

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19. Members of the Carolina Panthers’ defense will offer their services to work security at various league-sponsored events in and around the Super Bowl. Their offer will be politely declined.

20. A confused Motown executive will hear about the number of hits delivered by Lofa Tatupu and Troy Polamalu and sign them to a record deal.

21. An ABC sideline reporter will deliver a pertinent fact about the game. The network’s production team will then call an emergency meeting to determine how something like that got on the air.

22. Prior to Super Bowl XL, debates will continue to rage among experts over which had a briefer appearance in a big game, the Carolina Panthers’ offense or Janet Jackson’s nipple. 

23. Terrell Owens will insist that he’ll play in the Super Bowl, despite the best efforts of friends and advisors to explain to him that he isn’t involved this year.

24. Officials will use video replay to determine how many chins Mike Holmgren has.

25. Detroit will greet tourists upon their arrival at the airport and at hotels with the traditional “Fire Matt Millen!” banners.